Pain & Insomnia Do Not Help Sleep
I am so fucking sick of this. The insomnia is something I’ve gotten used to. It takes me hours to get to sleep, and then I wake up four or five times in a night. It’s become routine and I can do it. But tonight… the pain in my back is so bad I can’t even lay down!!! It’s in my shoulder blades, and down my spine, and it’s even going down my arms. My chest feels like it’s tightening up and I can’t breath. I know I should take some pain killers but I am so, so, so sick of having to take them every God damned day. I feel like my mother… albeit she takes about 50 a day (I am not exaggerating, sad yes?) and I take maybe four. But still… I had having to rely on them. And the only ones that work are the ones with codene in them… and I don’t like that.
I didn’t realize how much no sleep was bothering me until I came out here and broke down into tears. I just hate waking up, looking at the clock and realizing I’d only been asleep for an hour or two. And repeating this all night. And now the pain!!! And when I mention pain as something that is keeping me from sleep then it’s bad because I’m constantly in pain. I AM SO SICK OF THIS.
Today Stuart and I got onto the subject of depression and he said he doesn’t understand how some people can be so down all the time for no reason. I hide my depression really well, partly because I’m not your typical depressed, but I’m surprised he hasn’t noticed. He knows the illness causes mood swings so I’m more irritable and what not at times, but the fact that he hasn’t realized that sometimes I am just depressed surprised me. The last thing Stuart does is ignore me, he actually pays so much attention at times when I am depressed and trying to hide it it’s frustrating. But he’s not great at picking up subtle stuff so I guess keeping it inside works.
And when I say I’m not typical depressed… I don’t sit here upset all the time or numb. In fact I laugh a lot, usually at Stuart. When I hear him coming in from work I always smile, even when I’m mad at him! New Stargate Atlantis episodes make me squee in glee, and my brother being his dumbass self keeps me highly amused. It’s mostly when I’m alone that the depression hits. I think it’s just that at those times I realize how shitty everything is. Stuart goes off to work and I’m stuck in the apartment for the day. Often I’m stuck on the couch… where I need to have a nap at some point.
It’s sad, I wake up around 1 or 2 in the afternoon, Stuart gets home just after 5:30… and between that time I usually need a half hour nap! God forbid I need to have a long shower or do the dishes too… ’cause that’s ALL my energy. I’ve even given up on getting dressed on a lot of days because my bra and jeans ’cause tremendous pain. The seams of jeans HURT. And it’s not like they’re tight or anything, they fit me just fine.
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this!!!!!!
I want to go to sleep. I want a full nights sleep. I NEED some real rest.
Tomorrow, or today I guess, I go for new blood work. So this week I’ll have to go to the doctor. Hopefully he can help me…even if it means a prescription for sleep. Obviously the thyroid pills did NOTHING so maybe there’s another explanation??? I just want to be better. I want to go back to work. I want to be in a place where Stuart doesn’t feel the need to stress about money and what not. Please God, help me.
