A Rose By Any Other Name…

I wish I could just turn my brain off. So much stuff on my mind is bothering me, and most of it I don’t even know why. It’s not like there’s anything serious or bad, but all this stuff is weighing down on me and I don’t know what to do. I tried to talk to Stuart last night at his insistance but that just lead to me being upset that whenever I talk he goes completely silent. Then it lead to us having a very serious and much needed talk. That was nice, but it still leaves me with all this crap on my mind and no outlet.

Grrr. Last night Stuart insisted I tell him what was making me so mad, even though I said it wouldn’t change anything. So I told him… he can’t EVER help me around the house. If I’m incapable of doing whatever than it all just piles up. I mean, he came home yesterday and found me sick on the couch ’cause I’d been up for so long, and it was obvious I’d been cleaning the apartment. First thing he does? Throw his jacket in the middle of the living room floor.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I tell him all this and all he does is give me the fucking silent treatment. I hate the silent treatment. I’ve told him that a thousand times. I don’t care if he yells or swears or whatever, just don’t give me the fucking silent treatment.

I am so sick of having no help. I mean I only need to be off my feet for a couple more days (really until I’m done the percocet which will be tomorrow… ’cause they make me nauseus when I stand) but you think he’s going to help me at all in that time frame??? Not that he really can, we’re going to dinner at his parents tonight and then he has to go over there again tomorrow. But that’s kind of why I had hoped he would have helped out a couple days ago!

I had to clean every dish in the house yesterday. And he wonders why I’m pissed…. UGH!!!

I am so pissed off at Stuart right now. I’ve told him for the last three days that I am not up to doing anything like dishes, and he says that’s fine. But does it ever cross his mind that maybe HE can do a load of fucking dishes? Of course not, so now there’s this huge stack of dishes in the sink and my head is pounding, my jaw throbbing, I’m dizzy when I stand and I get to do all these fucking dishes. Grrr.

And we ordered Chinese last night, ’cause the noodles and what not are soft enough for me to eat. Well the percocet makes me really sleepy so all of a sudden I couldn’t even keep my eyes open and went to bed. Did it occur to Stuart to maybe put the Chinese food in the fridge? Of course not. But it did occur to him this morning to throw it all out. WHAT THE FUCK??? Even on the counter over night it would have still been fine to reheat. I had purposely ordered extra so there would be some kind of food here I could eat and he fucking threw it out. GOD DAMNIT!

And then last night he informs me, out of the blue when I said I needed the car tonight, that his mom expects him to go over tonight and Sunday. And then we go over for dinner Saturday. This here by makes me a fucking prisoner in the apartment all weekend. I’m fine that he has to go see Logan and whatever, I’m pissed that he never fucking tells me anything. And I’m really sick of the “I forgot” excuse. He didn’t fucking forget, he’s uncomfortable talking to me about stuff like his son. I doubt he’d even have me going for dinner there tomorrow night if I didn’t have to babysit Logan on Monday.

And you what, so what? He’s allowed to be uncomfortable about stuff and that’s not what I’m mad about. I’m mad that he keeps all this shit from me so I find everything out at the last minute… and I’m pissed that he never fucking helps me. He even admits most of the fucking mess in the apartment is his, but I’m expected to clean it up??? I know he’s stressed with work and what not right now so I don’t ask for much, but is putting the clean laundry back in the basket instead of on the floor with the dirty or doing a load of dishes asking too much??????

I realize a lot of my posts lately have been about how much pain I’m in and how bad I feel, and I realize it’s a bit of a downer. But I can’t help it. I live with this day in and day out. Last night the pain was so bad I was laying on my back and couldn’t move. An inch even. It even woke Stuart up, and trust me that is a feat in itself, and he massaged my back for about half an hour! It helped a little, enough that I could get back to sleep. So that was nice. But I surely do not want to have to wake him up everytime I’m in pain. Worst part is I took a felxoral last night, so not only was the pain not as bad as it could probably get, but the fact that I was woken up by it only hours after taking the pill is scary. Those suckers really knock me out. I realize I probably shouldn’t but tonight I’m going to take two… I just want a full nights sleep! If it doesn’t work I’m going to the doctor, either tomorrow or Saturday. I really hope they can do more than what I usually get from doctors… “Avoid caffiene, make a set schedule, blah blah blah.” I am avoiding caffiene and as for a set schedule, it’s kind of difficult right now. Not getting sleep at a time when your body wants like fifteen hours a day is baaaaaad. Trust me.

I don’t understand why everything seems so difficult these days. It took me four hours to convince myself I could do the dishes… and it only took twenty minutes when I had finally started. It hurt to stand for that long, sure, and I was a little peeved that I had to do them yet again… but it’s not like it was that big of a deal. My body just does not what to do anything except lie on the couch. And yet at the same time I want to go for a walk or a run because I can feel the muscles getting kind of lethargic, but this is not an option. As much as I would love to do a daily run, or even a walk around the block I can not. I can barely find the strength and energy to do the stairs from the car to the apartment….

And my moods! Oh man, I do not understand how a simple matter of no fruit can make me so pissed off. Luckily we went grocery shopping and fixed that problem last night, but that’s hardly the point. The stupidest shit upsets me. It’s not focused on Stuart as much as it was before, which is nice because he didn’t deserve that. I think he’s actually been a little better too, which helps. I see him trying to help out, and he doesn’t poke fun as much as before. I can laugh at myself but when my mood is shitty I don’t want someone making fun of me because of it. He seems to understand that now.

Now I’m going to get ready for bed and pray to the sandman that I can get a full night’s sleep. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I hate the weird moods I keep getting. It takes very little to make me upset, but it doesn’t take a lot to cheer me up at time either. The other morning… Tuesday I believe, I was exhausted in the morning. Made no sense to me since I was alright Monday and I actually got a decent amount of sleep. But no, I was so tired. I heard Stuart’s phone go off ’cause usually he works Tuesday, but he had this week off, but I could not bring myself to move in the least! Then about an hour and a half later I was woken up again, this time by Stuart’s beard/stubble. He was getting up but before he did he’d rolled over and given me a kiss on the cheek. No reason why… I mean he thought I was asleep so it obviously wasn’t for my benefit. That put me in a very good mood that day.

All week I’ve been in a lot of pain. My upper back and shoulders absolutely kill. They burn, and are stiff, and I can’t really lift my arms. I hate it. And it really hurts. Stuart tries to rub it but either it’s rather numb and I can’t feel him doing so, or it’s really sensitive and him touching it kills me. I simply can not win.

I wish my mother would stop thinking of me as a freaking taxi-cab. She’s always calling me for rides, and she’s quite a ways away from me so she expects me to drive all the way out there, drive here around, and then drive all the way back. WTF??? And the other night she had me run her downtown then Burt had to go “somewhere”. Turned out he was doing a fucking drug run. I was so pissed. My mom knows I don’t want to be put in that position. I don’t run her drugs and I don’t run her around drugs so she can buy them. I WAS SO FUCKING MAD!!!

In better news Kenny Chesney’s album is really good. I wasn’t the biggest fan of his last few albums but this one seems a lot better. His voice sounds good and clear, the music content is solid and… there’s a duet with George Strait! You can’t lose with the King on your album ya know? But seriously, awesome cd. And having the ability to put it on my iPod made my year. Seriously. I missed updating my iPod with all the various crap!!!

I have come to realize that to the people in my life I’m not as important as iguana’s, asshole french men, computers, cigarettes, pot, alcohol and the likes. I hate it. How come nobody can just think about me for once?

I can’t do this alone, why can’t anyone understand that? For a month I asked Stuart to help me with the spare bedroom but nothing got done. Then days before he leaves it’s decided we’re getting a room mate on Tuesday… the day after he gets back. So now I have to spend the whole week he’s away trying to clean it up even though it’s all his stuff. And all heavy stuff.

I have no strength and I feel like no one really understands that. I know I’m trying to downplay it all but when I couldn’t open a bottle of water or hold a pen I thought surely Stuart must have understood. But he doesn’t seem to. I know I need to just smack him and tell him ’cause he sucks and interprutting anything, but sometimes I don’t want to have to do that. I just want him to be there for me before it gets to the point that I need him.

And my brother and his friend Henry, who’s the room mate we’re getting, got in yesterday. They work at an oyster farm. So they came and stayed over here so they could help me get the room ready, but this morning when I woke up they fucked off and I haven’t heard from them since. They leave first thing Friday and I just know they’ll do the same thing today.

So I’ve been trying to get some stuff together and of course I slammed my broken arm into something. I dunno even what it was, but it was the first time I really even felt my arm was broken. And boy did I feel it. It hurts so much right now.

And now I’m sitting here with tears burning my eyes. I really should just curl up in my comfy Canuck blanket and cry, but I can’t do it. I have too much… of something to give in to a complete breakdown.

And my friend is going off about something I do not care about on MSN. She knows my mood right now but sometimes she just starts to get into her own thing and then it’s like whatever I’m feeling doesn’t matter ’cause the world revolves around her anyways. I was seriously so tempted to tell her to just shut the fuck up.

And people keep telling me I should tell Stuart I broke my arm. Why??? I’ve only spoken to him once since he left and that was because I couldn’t find a cord for the printer. It was a short conversation based completely on that one fact. He was online once but I missed him ’cause I was out doing whatever the fuck I was doing yesterday. And for some reason I really don’t want to text him and be like, “So, hey, I like… broke my arm.” Not cool. I mean what can he do about it except get in a shitty mood that it’s partly his fault for leaving me with all this crap to do. And I really don’t want him in a bad mood.

I want him here. I want to be able to act all depressed and try to push him away when he asks what’s wrong until he wraps his arms around me and just lets me cry. That’s the mood I’m in right now.

And if you’re at all curious why I don’t text him, or e-mail him or whatever… it’s simple. I don’t want to appear clingy. I don’t think I’m at all a clingy girlfriend but a couple weeks ago I was upset at Stuart and his mom asked if it was because I couldn’t go with him to Calgary. So obviously she sees me as clingy for whatever fucked up reason. She’s met me twice for only moments each time, I don’t think she can really judge that. And since Stuart had to DRAG ME along those times I can’t see how it came across as clingy, but whatever.