A Rose By Any Other Name…

But ugh, one week until I go back to the doctor. You better believe he’s getting an earfull!!

I realize a lot of my posts lately have been about how much pain I’m in and how bad I feel, and I realize it’s a bit of a downer. But I can’t help it. I live with this day in and day out. Last night the pain was so bad I was laying on my back and couldn’t move. An inch even. It even woke Stuart up, and trust me that is a feat in itself, and he massaged my back for about half an hour! It helped a little, enough that I could get back to sleep. So that was nice. But I surely do not want to have to wake him up everytime I’m in pain. Worst part is I took a felxoral last night, so not only was the pain not as bad as it could probably get, but the fact that I was woken up by it only hours after taking the pill is scary. Those suckers really knock me out. I realize I probably shouldn’t but tonight I’m going to take two… I just want a full nights sleep! If it doesn’t work I’m going to the doctor, either tomorrow or Saturday. I really hope they can do more than what I usually get from doctors… “Avoid caffiene, make a set schedule, blah blah blah.” I am avoiding caffiene and as for a set schedule, it’s kind of difficult right now. Not getting sleep at a time when your body wants like fifteen hours a day is baaaaaad. Trust me.

I don’t understand why everything seems so difficult these days. It took me four hours to convince myself I could do the dishes… and it only took twenty minutes when I had finally started. It hurt to stand for that long, sure, and I was a little peeved that I had to do them yet again… but it’s not like it was that big of a deal. My body just does not what to do anything except lie on the couch. And yet at the same time I want to go for a walk or a run because I can feel the muscles getting kind of lethargic, but this is not an option. As much as I would love to do a daily run, or even a walk around the block I can not. I can barely find the strength and energy to do the stairs from the car to the apartment….

And my moods! Oh man, I do not understand how a simple matter of no fruit can make me so pissed off. Luckily we went grocery shopping and fixed that problem last night, but that’s hardly the point. The stupidest shit upsets me. It’s not focused on Stuart as much as it was before, which is nice because he didn’t deserve that. I think he’s actually been a little better too, which helps. I see him trying to help out, and he doesn’t poke fun as much as before. I can laugh at myself but when my mood is shitty I don’t want someone making fun of me because of it. He seems to understand that now.

Now I’m going to get ready for bed and pray to the sandman that I can get a full night’s sleep. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Poor Stuart. This morning the computer f*cked up on him so he turned it off and left for work. When I went to reboot it it couldn’t find an operating system. *head desk* I text him about it and he came home on his lunch break (which is only half an hour long) to fix it for me. That wasn’t why I had sent him the text, I just wanted him to know what was up in case he’d need to check something online before coming home. But he came and fixed it… ’cause he’s a sweetheart. He just won’t admit that.

Then after he left he phoned… he couldn’t have been back at work for five minutes. He was asking questions like “Do we need to do shopping tonight?” and stuff. Sounded odd. I can’t really explain what I mean by that, it was just an out of the blue call for what seems like a non-important reason, and the way he sounded…. Guess I’ll find out when I pick him up at 5:30. I think I’ll give him the option of just going home, we can switch my car over and everything tomorrow night. : Maybe he wants to go out with a friend? I dunno… I shall see.

Lately I’ve been feeling my moods going back to crap. The past week or so they’ve been alright, not great but I wasn’t real irritable or anything… but the last couple days I seem to be going back to that. I really don’t want to… poor Stuart is almost always on the wrong end of my bad moods. I hate taking little things out on him and then it makes me feel worse because I did. I can not win. I’ve really been trying, but I haven’t gotten much sleep the last few days so I’m sure that’s not helping.

Actually I think I need to see a doctor about my sleeping habits. I try to stay away from caffiene and everything, but still I can not sleep. Sometimes it’s so bad I have no chance unless I take one of my flexorals… which knock me right out. I’m scared to do that too much though so that’s really a last resort. And even when I do take one of my pills I wake up every two hours. WTF??? I can not remember the last time I had a full nights sleep!

My brother and Henry get in tonight. *sigh* They always seem to take over my apartment when they’re here. I don’t mind Henry so much, I mean he pays rent. And I don’t mind my brother either… it’s just… I don’t know. I like my space. They’re not too, too bad… they’re out most of the time. I just need to suck it up and realize they may watch a movie or two while they’re here.

In only five days I get to go to Vancouver! That should help my moods a lot… even if I am stressed about money. I’m thinking I’ll mention that I’m going to my dad ’cause then he’ll say I should stop in to see grandma. I really can’t afford any extra detours, so he may donate a little to the cause. I would like to see her. Knowing dad he has her worried sick about me… she probably thinks I’m dying.

And Keith Urban!!! He’s the whole reason for the very short Vancouver trip (go over Sunday afternoon, come home Monday morning). A friend over on LiveJournal and I are going to the show… I’m so stoked. It was over two years ago when I saw him in Grande Prairie and then Edmonton. Unfortunately I’m not big on his new cd… so hopefully he still does plenty from his first three. And OMG I will die if he does “Desiree”! He did it at the Edmonton show so I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

Oh, and it seems worth noting… Stuart is again clean shaven. *sigh*