A Rose By Any Other Name…

I managed to drag myself to the doctor today…. I was supposed to go Monday but didn’t, and then yesterday I missed my doc ’cause he had weird times… so I went today. I explained how my energy is better but the pain isn’t. The pain is different though, it’s not the same as it was in June when this all started. He said that was a good sign.

I told him how the prescription makes me feel, and the weird dreams it makes me have. Etc etc. In the end he decided we were on the right path… which I have to agree with. This is the first prescription that has made any improvement. SO HE DOUBLED MY DOSE!!! Ugh. Doubled. He told me to stock up on Coca-Cola… bastard. I was hoping he could at least give me a clue as to something I could do to make my stomach feel better.

So I went into London Drugs with my prescription. Now, before the pharmacist had even put my name into the computer or anything he remembered I’d had this prescription before, and that it was for pain not depression. That was almost a month ago! I’m impressed, seriously. The prescription is going to cost $70 though. Ugh. That sucks. And since I only have two days worth left guess who’s going to have to do some nice begging to her dad! At least for something like this he usually jumps right in to help, because obviously it’s needed.

The pharmacist just called though, they don’t have enough pills to fill my order. Oh Lord. LMAO. That makes me feel like crap ’cause I need that many, ugh. But I have enough for a couple days so he said tomorrow afternoon they’ll have ‘em in, so it’s all good.

In other news I forgot to put my phone on silence last night. I have the alarm set to take my pill in the morning but I take it when Stuart leaves ’cause that always wakes me up, so I only need the alarm on weekends. Well it was in the living room so Stuart came in and gave me a kiss to wake me up and reminded me to take it. It was cute. And then I had to actually get up though, ’cause my brother had a driving test at 9:30 and being the awesome big sister that I am, and since I was the only one available, I took him.

He failed. But he knows what went wrong so he’ll get in next time, I’m sure. And to make up for my having to get up so early he left me his laptop today (he’s out working with a friend) and bought me Subway for lunch!

Yesterday when I was doing dishes I got a bad pain in my right hand. This isn’t unusual, I get sudden jolts of pain regularly. This time however, I was holding a rather sharp knife and the pain caused my hand to jerk. Luckily I only got a slight gash on my left arm… it could have been much worse. It stings like an SOB though. Good Lord!!!

Tomorrow I have to go back to the doctor… thank God! I am so sick of this prescription. I feel sick all the time. The only thing that doesn’t make me throw up day after day is the little I eat and Coca Cola. If I don’t keep nursing Coke every day I feel like crap. I HATE IT!!! Especially since I’m not big on drinking soda pop and the likes… and Stuart doesn’t really want it around. *sigh*

My brother goes for his driving test on Hallowe’en. Tuesday night we’ll go trade cars with my dad since he works Wednesday, that way Jeffrey can still do his test in his car. This will be Jeff’s fourth attempt at taking the test. No, he hasn’t failed three times… three times he’s been unable to actually take the test for various reasons. I really hope it works out for him this time.

So many great cd’s have been released lately. Stuart and Jeffrey have been playing Halo for hours and I don’t even care ’cause I have Jeff’s laptop and my iPod! New Josh Turner… Carrie Underwood… Gary Allan… I’m very occupied. Heh. They’re awesome cd’s too. I like Carrie’s much more than I did her first one… Josh is always amazing, and Gary’s isn’t his best but still a great cd.

NaNoWriMo starts in only a few days! I’m actually excited, even though I can’t decide what to write about. I’ll figure it out I’m sure. Jeffrey has agreed to lend me his laptop for the first week of November since Steve will be here. This way I can stay out of the boys’ hair and get massive writing done… it’ll be great. Yes the boys will be loud and I’ll lose massive amounts of sleep again, but since I’m not trying to get through my illness and work this time I think I’ll survive some sleeploss.

I should try to convince Stuart to make some dinner soon… I’m starving. Now, how can I possibly pull him away from the fascinating video game? Hmmm.

I forgot to mention a very important thing in my last post… the Prozac is making me have lots of really weird dreams. Every night I have three or four that I remember when I wake up… who knows how many I have that I don’t remember. The other night I had a dream that a tax monster was after me for not filing last year. :\ LMAO. It was the weirdest God damned thing. It’s been driving me nuts for the last couple weeks.

I really hate this… my eyes are bloodshot every night, I can’t concentrate, I have trouble breathing… I don’t think the Prozac is working.

I hate Prozac, I hate Prozac, I hate Prozac!!! Oy. Seriously, it was annoying when I first started taking it and it made my stomach and throat burn… but now they burn at random times. I woke up with it this morning. And the only thing that seems to settle it is Coca-Cola. NOT IMPRESSED. Stuart and I don’t keep pop in the apartment so the last couple days I’ve had to make random runs to the store to grab a bottle of coke. Tonight I bought a six pack of ‘em, but ugh. I hate drinking so much soda. I figured it’d be the carbonation but I tried Sprite and GingerAle and neither of those did the trick, has to be Coke.

Oh, and I thought my energy was back but I was wrong. The last couple days I’ve kind of found myself dragging around. Today it’s like I can’t really focus on anything unless I’m reading. I tried to watch tv… nope… play the Wii… uh huh… even just talking to Stuart I get this dazed look and can’t concentrate. It’s driving me mad. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Yesterday I got up fairly early and stayed up late, so I managed to sleep until six am this morning. It’s only like four hours, but that’s twice as long as normal. But not getting a full night’s sleep is really starting to take it’s toll. Two hour increments do not do it, seriously. Try it, set your alarm… cell phone… watch… whatever to go off every two hours and see how you feel tomorrow morning.

I’m also in the weirdest mood. I can be kind of blah and then the littlest thing can piss me off or cheer me up. Like earlier Stuart was doing… I dunno, something, and I just got really upset. Didn’t help that I started doing the dishes and picking crap up and putting laundry away when I felt like I was going to pass out the entire time. And really Stuart didn’t do anything wrong… :\ Then just now he asks me if I’m good at puzzles… and yeah, I’m alright. He’s playing a video game… there’s three symbols (they’re actually trees, but this is not important) ok? Now there’s a grid 3 x 3 with these symbols… you take one away and it, along with the ones touching it change. You need to get all nine the same symbol. He tried forever and could not do it… so I go over to try and he gets up to tidy up the kitchen a little while I do so… manages to take pot from stove to sink and then I’m done. Hehehehe. That cheered me up more than you could ever imagine. It’s always the little things.

Now all I want is a hug from Stuart. It’s so random and bizarre that crap I feel at times. I’m so glad Stuart is so understanding.

But ugh, one week until I go back to the doctor. You better believe he’s getting an earfull!!

Ha! I just got a phone call from Stuart at work. He phoned just to complain that I passed him in TV trivia on Facebook. See, this is why I love him. That’s just too freaking cute. LMAO.

Speaking of phone calls… everybody decided to phone this morning while I was in bed! At 2:30 in the morning Henry’s dad phoned (he’s in Scotland and didn’t think about the time difference). Then just after Stuart left for work the phone kept ringing, but since the bedroom phone was in the living room from Henry’s phone call earlier I ignored it. Blah. At noon I hear my brother come in so I get up, and Jeffrey is here with Devon and my dad. And they brought me a bubble tea!

When dad left Jeff pointed out that he had left me something on the counter. I look… there’s a letter that went to his place… and a $25 gift card for Save on Foods. NICE. We have food and all, but still… nice. LOL. ‘Specially since we seem to feed the boys when they’re here… and that’s a lot of food. They eat more than Stuart!

Yesterday my medication caused a nosebleed that last three and a half hours. So not cool. If that happens again I’m going straight back to the doctor because so far all they’ve done is give me a little more energy. I’m still not sleeping well, still sore and feeling bruised, still irritable (actually I may be less so now come to think of it.) Since taking the pills I’ve become fidgity and agitated though. I’m not a happy camper.

1. Have you had your birthday yet? Yes, it’s in the first couple weeks of the year.
2. Are you with the same person as you were at the beginning of 2007? I wasn’t with anyone at the beginning of the year, but I’m still with the only person I’ve been with in 2007.
3. Are you still in the same job? Kinda, currently I’m not working but I’m still employed there.
4. Is your favorite color the same color? Yup.
5. Have you got the same style/colour hair? Umm… pretty much I guess. I usually keep it dyed with a red tint and then straight… it’s probably a little shorter.
6. Have you bought a new car this year? No.
7. Anything exciting happen this year? Oh yeah.
8. Have you been involved with the police this year? Other than phoning in drunk drivers from work, no.
9. Favorite all time drinking place for 2007? Didn’t really drink this year.
10. Is your best friend still your best friend? Yup!
11. Got any tattoos or piercings this year? Yes, got a cartiledge piercing in my right ear… but it came out the other day and I can’t get it back in.
12. Had a haircut? Yes.
13. Been in a hospital this year? Yup, few times.
14. Lost someone you cared about this year? No.
15. Been on a vacation this year? Not really, no.
16. Been in love this year? Yup, and it gets stronger every day. (Ugh, so cliche)
17. Fallen out of love this year? Nope.
18. Been kicked out of a pub this year? Nope.
19. Completed any studies this year? No.
20. Read any books? Tons.
21. Worst thing to happen this year? This illness doctors can’t diagnose.
22. Best thing to happen this year? Stuart.
23. How many times have you gotten drunk? None.
24. Has this year been a good one so far? Despite being sick it’s been a very good year, I’m happier than I’ve ever been.

Yesterday I was in a pretty crappy mood when Stuart got home. I’d just finished cleaning up the apartment… Friday mornings the boys go out to work so Henry brings his dirty dishes out of his room and what not. It’s so disgusting. Those boys have never heard of rinsing dishes! So it took me forever to get that stuff clean, and I was in more pain than ever so I was grouchy.

When Stuart came in I didn’t really look up from what I was reading on the computer screen, so he could tell I wasn’t in a great mood. He asked me what was wrong, if I was mad at him, sore or what. I said I was just kind of frustrated. So he comes over and puts this thing of flowers beside me and asks if that’ll make me feel better.

…

Yeah, that could do it. LOL. They’re miniature roses, kinda cute. LOL. And there wasn’t really any reason for him to do it so that’s always nice. He’s always doing sweet things for no reason though. One time I asked if we had any chocolate because I was craving some, but we didn’t so I just shrugged it off. All of a sudden he was gone and came back with some chocolate covered peanuts for me. LOL. So random.

Oh, and he deleted all his porn off the computer. I didn’t even ask him to do that… I never said stop looking at porn, I just said cut down on it. But no, he deleted it all. LOL. He didn’t even blink when he did so.

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I do not understand why so many people turn to drugs. Joe Nichols has now entered a rehab facility for substance abuse. *shakes head* I guess maybe it’s because I grew up surrounded by drugs and what not and have seen the consequences… but I just don’t see the appeal. They take all your money, change your personality (never for the better), and really just ruin your lives. It cliche, but seriously, don’t do drugs.

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As I mentioned above the pain has gotten to it’s worse point. I can barely move because all my muscles stiffen up. The pain is incredible. It’s like I’ve been beaten repeatedly with a baseball bat. Everything feels bruised and sore… it’s insane. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow so I’m hoping he’ll be able to do something, preferably without drugging me up. The Prozac has seemed to give me more energy… but it doesn’t help me sleep at all so my body feels tired but I feel awake. It’s insane, I hate it.

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Thank God it’s Saturday! That means yesterday the new Stargate Atlantis aired. Hehe. I’ve already downloaded it and am currently converting it to my iPod. Every Saturday night Stuart and I curl up and watch SGA. Good times. I wonder what we’ll do next weekend since we’ve already seen that episode… silly iTunes giving out the wrong episode!

OK, so I’m fairly certain I just posted an entry talking about how my moods are a little whacked, but how I’m not depressed. I mean I get down sometimes, but I have good moods too. And whatever.

Today I went to the doctor. My doctor was back, ’cause he was on vacation back in August and a different doctor diagnosed hypothyroidism. Well my doc looks at my test results and says there’s no indication of hypothyroidism. WHAT????? He asked how the month with the Synthroid was and I told him I saw no change so he stopped that. So what did he prescribe this time you ask?

Prozac.

Yup, the anti-depressant. He never said I was depressed, but that’s what he wrote on my EI form. He said there was something else he would have prescribed but it increases your appetite, so he figured this was a better route. Fair enough. And if it helps then I’m all for it ’cause God knows I want to get back to work… Hell I just want my energy back! But at the same time it’s… I don’t know. I don’t really want to go to Stuart tonight when he gets home and tell him we need to go pick up my prescription for PROZAC, you know?

Oh, and I looked up Prozac on Wikipedia ’cause I like knowing what I’m putting in my body. It says, “Fluoxetine {Prozac} is generally well tolerated.” Well that’s good, but then it goes on to list the common side effects….

• Akathisia
• Anxiety
• Asthenia
• Headache
• Flu syndrome
• Fever
• Vasodilatation
• Nausea
• Diarrhea
• Dry mouth
• Dyspepsia
• Insomnia
• Nervousness
• Somnolence
• Dizziness
• Tremor
• Sweating
• Dilated pupils
• Heartburn
• Seizures
• Hives
• Rash

Uh… right. As if I wasn’t bothered beforehand that I’d be taking something that messes with my brain chemicals! Ugh.

In other news Stuart royally fucked up the other day. He had a profile on an online dating site, which I was aware of. However, the other day a friend brought to my attention again and when I took a look… he had updated it! Yeah, not impressed.

I wasn’t mad because I know Stuart enough to know he wasn’t really doing anything on the site… but at the same time it hurt. A lot. And when he got home I had originally wanted to yell and scream… but that’s not me… and like I said, I wasn’t mad. So in the end I just couldn’t speak to him at all. He thought I was upset because he had come home at 1:30 to get the car for his dentist appointment because something happened at work and he couldn’t take his bosses. Well he was PISSED, even punched the wall. He thought he’d freaked me out, but he hadn’t. That didn’t bother me really, I mean he took it out on the wall, not me.

So he wanted to know what he did but I told him point blank, the way I was feeling I couldn’t take him turning it into a joke, or even worse giving me the silent treatment like he usually does. He promised he wouldn’t, not this time, so I told him. His response? “I’m sorry for hurting you.” And then he said he didn’t really have anything more he could say.

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. I’m smart enough to know Stuart can’t come up with stuff off the top of his head so I thought I’d give him some time, figured he’d realize what he needed to say. But no, I got absolutely nothing. Now I was mad.

Yesterday when he got home from work I asked if I was going to get a real apology? I asked him if he had realized he needed to say something. He went out. *shrugs* He was only gone for about half an hour… came home with some groceries so I can’t complain there. He watched Walk The Line with me, ’cause I’d put it on to cheer me up… and then he finally apologized. Not for hurting me, which is all fine and good, but for what he actually did. And then he assured me he wasn’t looking for somebody else, wasn’t leaving, etc. The stuff deep down I knew, but after something like this needed to hear, ya know?

In the end I had to egg him on to say it but I’m glad I didn’t have to tell him what to say. And he deleted the profile without blinking afterwards which made me feel better. I mean like I said I know he wasn’t doing anything wrong, probably just killing time, but he obviously hadn’t taken my feelings into account at all which hurt….

See, now if that can’t make me depressed why the fuck am I on Prozac???

Oh, and when he went out yesterday he got a points card for the Wii, which he hid from me. After I went to bed he downloaded Super Mario 64, Pac Man and Yoshi… all games I would love to play. That was kind of sweet.

I am so fucking sick of this. The insomnia is something I’ve gotten used to. It takes me hours to get to sleep, and then I wake up four or five times in a night. It’s become routine and I can do it. But tonight… the pain in my back is so bad I can’t even lay down!!! It’s in my shoulder blades, and down my spine, and it’s even going down my arms. My chest feels like it’s tightening up and I can’t breath. I know I should take some pain killers but I am so, so, so sick of having to take them every God damned day. I feel like my mother… albeit she takes about 50 a day (I am not exaggerating, sad yes?) and I take maybe four. But still… I had having to rely on them. And the only ones that work are the ones with codene in them… and I don’t like that.

I didn’t realize how much no sleep was bothering me until I came out here and broke down into tears. I just hate waking up, looking at the clock and realizing I’d only been asleep for an hour or two. And repeating this all night. And now the pain!!! And when I mention pain as something that is keeping me from sleep then it’s bad because I’m constantly in pain. I AM SO SICK OF THIS.

Today Stuart and I got onto the subject of depression and he said he doesn’t understand how some people can be so down all the time for no reason. I hide my depression really well, partly because I’m not your typical depressed, but I’m surprised he hasn’t noticed. He knows the illness causes mood swings so I’m more irritable and what not at times, but the fact that he hasn’t realized that sometimes I am just depressed surprised me. The last thing Stuart does is ignore me, he actually pays so much attention at times when I am depressed and trying to hide it it’s frustrating. But he’s not great at picking up subtle stuff so I guess keeping it inside works.

And when I say I’m not typical depressed… I don’t sit here upset all the time or numb. In fact I laugh a lot, usually at Stuart. When I hear him coming in from work I always smile, even when I’m mad at him! New Stargate Atlantis episodes make me squee in glee, and my brother being his dumbass self keeps me highly amused. It’s mostly when I’m alone that the depression hits. I think it’s just that at those times I realize how shitty everything is. Stuart goes off to work and I’m stuck in the apartment for the day. Often I’m stuck on the couch… where I need to have a nap at some point.

It’s sad, I wake up around 1 or 2 in the afternoon, Stuart gets home just after 5:30… and between that time I usually need a half hour nap! God forbid I need to have a long shower or do the dishes too… ’cause that’s ALL my energy. I’ve even given up on getting dressed on a lot of days because my bra and jeans ’cause tremendous pain. The seams of jeans HURT. And it’s not like they’re tight or anything, they fit me just fine.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this!!!!!!

I want to go to sleep. I want a full nights sleep. I NEED some real rest.

Tomorrow, or today I guess, I go for new blood work. So this week I’ll have to go to the doctor. Hopefully he can help me…even if it means a prescription for sleep. Obviously the thyroid pills did NOTHING so maybe there’s another explanation??? I just want to be better. I want to go back to work. I want to be in a place where Stuart doesn’t feel the need to stress about money and what not. Please God, help me.

Poor Stuart is still at work! He had to go in an hour early today, and then came home at four to change and headed back out. They’re doing inventory at the Mazda dealership. When they did it at Honda he was home a little after ten so I imagine he’ll be home soon.

Just after I woke up today I get a phone call from him… just checking in to see if I was downloading the new Stargate Atlantis episode. Hehe. He doesn’t phone from work often, but when he does it’s usually for a really random reason. He’s just so cute. And I got him addicted to Stargate Atlantis, which makes me happy. Except now Carson is gone… not sure how I’ll accept this new season yet.

So yesterday I thought I was doing pretty good. I didn’t feel sick, I had some energy (not a lot by about eight at night), and nothing hurt too much… just my back was stiff. Well Stuart gave me a back rub last night which helped with that stuff, but every touch felt like I was being beaten with a baseball bat. I just don’t understand it. Is it a nerve problem? Is it my skin? It’s just so weird.

For example, I’m sitting crosslegged right now. The spot on my left leg where the right leg crosses it HURTS. Feels like I have a three hundred pound steel bar resting on it. Like what the hell??? Lately I have been spending most of the day in my pajamas unless I’m going out or someone is coming over because my jeans and bra are painful to wear. I really, really hate this.

Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry because I feel so useless. I mean I can’t do anything it seems. I can’t leave the apartment without someone with me really. If I went for a walk alone I would end up exhausted and unable to get back. If I was driving alone and exhaustion hit… well that could have very bad outcomes. So I’m trapped here day after day with nothing except the internet and my iPod, and the continuous amount of dishes that pile up.

I’m really starting to hate this whole being sick thing. Besides Stuart no one really understands. My mom still thinks I should help her move, Amanda says I’m lazy for still being off work… I don’t know how much more I can really take.

The only good news I have is with all of this my moods still aren’t as bad as they were. Always nice when depression isn’t thrown into the mix as well!

Someone uploaded this new reality show called “Nashville” so I checked it out ’cause Jamey Johnson was mentioned. He wasn’t in the pilot episode (I don’t think he’s really in it much) but it was still a good show. It follows all these people as they try to become famous country singers and what not. My favourite is most definitely Chuck Wicks. He has this new song out called “Stealing Cinderella”. It’s not featured on the show, too recent I think, but I found it on YouTube and man is it ever something. I guess this means he’s been picked up by a label (the pilot had one label really interested in him) so that’s cool. I’m going to post the lyrics at the bottom of this post… but first I have some other things to share.

I caught a cold from Stuart’s son. No biggie, mostly a sore throat… but I have more energy. Seriously. Yesterday I had to be up at about ten because we had an apartment inspection, and I managed to do a full day. I went to bed around twelve last night and I wasn’t exhausted! Today I slept until about noon but I wasn’t groggy when I got up like I would usually be. It’s just really weird. I don’t know if it’s actually related but the timing is funny, and nothing else has happened to really change my energy levels. It’s so bizarre.

Last night we had to take Jeffrey to mom’s to get some stuff since mom moves at the end of the month. Well she started ranting ’cause she needs help moving and I said I can’t. She goes on to say it’s seventeen stairs up to the apartment and she needs help bringing the couches up! I stared at her and she went on to say I could at least help with the small stuff.

OK, the seventeen stairs will probably take everything out of me on a single trip and she expects me to go up and down? And there’s no point arguing with her ’cause she won’t hear it. Luckily Stuart just firmly stated, “She shouldn’t do anything except rest.” She still tried to argue the whole helping with small things but Stuart just stated, “She’ll be spending that day on the couch.” LOL.

He’s so protective. Mom finally agreed he was right too… thank God. I really couldn’t do it. And thank God Stuart is so understanding. I absolutely hate how I’m not able to really do anything but he never complains. Well he does, ’cause he says I don’t let him help me enough. If I’m exhausted but thirsty I get up and make my way to the kitchen for a drink… but I have to hold onto walls and what not to stay up. He keeps telling me to ask him to get me the drink or whatever but I hate that idea… sitting on the couch being all, “Stuart can you bring me this? That?” I mean he works hard every day he should be able to rest when he gets home.

His birthday is coming up on the 8th of October. Jeffrey and I are getting him something I know he’ll love so I’m getting excited. I think we may give him a birthday dinner and what not on the 4th since Jeff won’t be in for his birthday. Plus there’s a dinner planned at his parents the night of his birthday (which also happens to be Thanksgiving) so this way he can have one here too… with an Optimus Prime cake of course. LOL.

Stealing Cinderella
by Chuck Wicks

I came to see her dad
To sit down man to man
It wasn’t any secret
I’d be asking for her hand
I guess that’s why he left me waiting
In a living room by myself
With at least a dozen pictures of her
Sitting on a shelf

She was playing Cinderella
She was ridin’ her first bike
Bouncin’ on the bed
And lookin’ for a pillow fight
Runnin’ through the sprinklers
With a big popcicle grin
Dancin’ with her dad
Lookin’ up at him
In her eyes I’m Prince Charmin’
But to him I’m just some fella
Ridin’ in
Stealing Cinderella

I leaned in towards those pictures
To get a better look at one
When I heard a voice behind me say
Ain’t she somethin’ son
I said yes she’s quite a woman
And he just stared at me
And I realized that in his eyes
She would always be

She was playing Cinderella
She was ridin’ her first bike
Bouncin’ on the bed
And lookin’ for a pillow fight
Runnin’ through the sprinklers
With a big popcicle grin
Dancin’ with her dad
Lookin’ up at him
In her eyes I’m Prince Charmin’
But to him I’m just some fella
Ridin’ in
Stealing Cinderella

He slapped me on the shoulder
Then he called her in the room
When she put her arms around him
That’s when I could see it too

She was playing Cinderella
She was ridin’ her first bike
Bouncin’ on the bed
And lookin’ for a pillow fight
Runnin’ through the sprinklers
With a big popcicle grin
Dancin’ with her dad
Lookin’ up at him
If he gives me a hard time
I can’t blame the fella
I’m the one who’s stealing
Cinderella