A Rose By Any Other Name…

OK, so I’m fairly certain I just posted an entry talking about how my moods are a little whacked, but how I’m not depressed. I mean I get down sometimes, but I have good moods too. And whatever.

Today I went to the doctor. My doctor was back, ’cause he was on vacation back in August and a different doctor diagnosed hypothyroidism. Well my doc looks at my test results and says there’s no indication of hypothyroidism. WHAT????? He asked how the month with the Synthroid was and I told him I saw no change so he stopped that. So what did he prescribe this time you ask?

Prozac.

Yup, the anti-depressant. He never said I was depressed, but that’s what he wrote on my EI form. He said there was something else he would have prescribed but it increases your appetite, so he figured this was a better route. Fair enough. And if it helps then I’m all for it ’cause God knows I want to get back to work… Hell I just want my energy back! But at the same time it’s… I don’t know. I don’t really want to go to Stuart tonight when he gets home and tell him we need to go pick up my prescription for PROZAC, you know?

Oh, and I looked up Prozac on Wikipedia ’cause I like knowing what I’m putting in my body. It says, “Fluoxetine {Prozac} is generally well tolerated.” Well that’s good, but then it goes on to list the common side effects….

• Akathisia
• Anxiety
• Asthenia
• Headache
• Flu syndrome
• Fever
• Vasodilatation
• Nausea
• Diarrhea
• Dry mouth
• Dyspepsia
• Insomnia
• Nervousness
• Somnolence
• Dizziness
• Tremor
• Sweating
• Dilated pupils
• Heartburn
• Seizures
• Hives
• Rash

Uh… right. As if I wasn’t bothered beforehand that I’d be taking something that messes with my brain chemicals! Ugh.

In other news Stuart royally fucked up the other day. He had a profile on an online dating site, which I was aware of. However, the other day a friend brought to my attention again and when I took a look… he had updated it! Yeah, not impressed.

I wasn’t mad because I know Stuart enough to know he wasn’t really doing anything on the site… but at the same time it hurt. A lot. And when he got home I had originally wanted to yell and scream… but that’s not me… and like I said, I wasn’t mad. So in the end I just couldn’t speak to him at all. He thought I was upset because he had come home at 1:30 to get the car for his dentist appointment because something happened at work and he couldn’t take his bosses. Well he was PISSED, even punched the wall. He thought he’d freaked me out, but he hadn’t. That didn’t bother me really, I mean he took it out on the wall, not me.

So he wanted to know what he did but I told him point blank, the way I was feeling I couldn’t take him turning it into a joke, or even worse giving me the silent treatment like he usually does. He promised he wouldn’t, not this time, so I told him. His response? “I’m sorry for hurting you.” And then he said he didn’t really have anything more he could say.

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. I’m smart enough to know Stuart can’t come up with stuff off the top of his head so I thought I’d give him some time, figured he’d realize what he needed to say. But no, I got absolutely nothing. Now I was mad.

Yesterday when he got home from work I asked if I was going to get a real apology? I asked him if he had realized he needed to say something. He went out. *shrugs* He was only gone for about half an hour… came home with some groceries so I can’t complain there. He watched Walk The Line with me, ’cause I’d put it on to cheer me up… and then he finally apologized. Not for hurting me, which is all fine and good, but for what he actually did. And then he assured me he wasn’t looking for somebody else, wasn’t leaving, etc. The stuff deep down I knew, but after something like this needed to hear, ya know?

In the end I had to egg him on to say it but I’m glad I didn’t have to tell him what to say. And he deleted the profile without blinking afterwards which made me feel better. I mean like I said I know he wasn’t doing anything wrong, probably just killing time, but he obviously hadn’t taken my feelings into account at all which hurt….

See, now if that can’t make me depressed why the fuck am I on Prozac???

Oh, and when he went out yesterday he got a points card for the Wii, which he hid from me. After I went to bed he downloaded Super Mario 64, Pac Man and Yoshi… all games I would love to play. That was kind of sweet.

I am so fucking sick of this. The insomnia is something I’ve gotten used to. It takes me hours to get to sleep, and then I wake up four or five times in a night. It’s become routine and I can do it. But tonight… the pain in my back is so bad I can’t even lay down!!! It’s in my shoulder blades, and down my spine, and it’s even going down my arms. My chest feels like it’s tightening up and I can’t breath. I know I should take some pain killers but I am so, so, so sick of having to take them every God damned day. I feel like my mother… albeit she takes about 50 a day (I am not exaggerating, sad yes?) and I take maybe four. But still… I had having to rely on them. And the only ones that work are the ones with codene in them… and I don’t like that.

I didn’t realize how much no sleep was bothering me until I came out here and broke down into tears. I just hate waking up, looking at the clock and realizing I’d only been asleep for an hour or two. And repeating this all night. And now the pain!!! And when I mention pain as something that is keeping me from sleep then it’s bad because I’m constantly in pain. I AM SO SICK OF THIS.

Today Stuart and I got onto the subject of depression and he said he doesn’t understand how some people can be so down all the time for no reason. I hide my depression really well, partly because I’m not your typical depressed, but I’m surprised he hasn’t noticed. He knows the illness causes mood swings so I’m more irritable and what not at times, but the fact that he hasn’t realized that sometimes I am just depressed surprised me. The last thing Stuart does is ignore me, he actually pays so much attention at times when I am depressed and trying to hide it it’s frustrating. But he’s not great at picking up subtle stuff so I guess keeping it inside works.

And when I say I’m not typical depressed… I don’t sit here upset all the time or numb. In fact I laugh a lot, usually at Stuart. When I hear him coming in from work I always smile, even when I’m mad at him! New Stargate Atlantis episodes make me squee in glee, and my brother being his dumbass self keeps me highly amused. It’s mostly when I’m alone that the depression hits. I think it’s just that at those times I realize how shitty everything is. Stuart goes off to work and I’m stuck in the apartment for the day. Often I’m stuck on the couch… where I need to have a nap at some point.

It’s sad, I wake up around 1 or 2 in the afternoon, Stuart gets home just after 5:30… and between that time I usually need a half hour nap! God forbid I need to have a long shower or do the dishes too… ’cause that’s ALL my energy. I’ve even given up on getting dressed on a lot of days because my bra and jeans ’cause tremendous pain. The seams of jeans HURT. And it’s not like they’re tight or anything, they fit me just fine.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this!!!!!!

I want to go to sleep. I want a full nights sleep. I NEED some real rest.

Tomorrow, or today I guess, I go for new blood work. So this week I’ll have to go to the doctor. Hopefully he can help me…even if it means a prescription for sleep. Obviously the thyroid pills did NOTHING so maybe there’s another explanation??? I just want to be better. I want to go back to work. I want to be in a place where Stuart doesn’t feel the need to stress about money and what not. Please God, help me.

Poor Stuart is still at work! He had to go in an hour early today, and then came home at four to change and headed back out. They’re doing inventory at the Mazda dealership. When they did it at Honda he was home a little after ten so I imagine he’ll be home soon.

Just after I woke up today I get a phone call from him… just checking in to see if I was downloading the new Stargate Atlantis episode. Hehe. He doesn’t phone from work often, but when he does it’s usually for a really random reason. He’s just so cute. And I got him addicted to Stargate Atlantis, which makes me happy. Except now Carson is gone… not sure how I’ll accept this new season yet.

So yesterday I thought I was doing pretty good. I didn’t feel sick, I had some energy (not a lot by about eight at night), and nothing hurt too much… just my back was stiff. Well Stuart gave me a back rub last night which helped with that stuff, but every touch felt like I was being beaten with a baseball bat. I just don’t understand it. Is it a nerve problem? Is it my skin? It’s just so weird.

For example, I’m sitting crosslegged right now. The spot on my left leg where the right leg crosses it HURTS. Feels like I have a three hundred pound steel bar resting on it. Like what the hell??? Lately I have been spending most of the day in my pajamas unless I’m going out or someone is coming over because my jeans and bra are painful to wear. I really, really hate this.

Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry because I feel so useless. I mean I can’t do anything it seems. I can’t leave the apartment without someone with me really. If I went for a walk alone I would end up exhausted and unable to get back. If I was driving alone and exhaustion hit… well that could have very bad outcomes. So I’m trapped here day after day with nothing except the internet and my iPod, and the continuous amount of dishes that pile up.

I’m really starting to hate this whole being sick thing. Besides Stuart no one really understands. My mom still thinks I should help her move, Amanda says I’m lazy for still being off work… I don’t know how much more I can really take.

The only good news I have is with all of this my moods still aren’t as bad as they were. Always nice when depression isn’t thrown into the mix as well!

So the trip to Vancouver was more pain than pleasure, but the concert was worth while.

The ferry boats were busier than I’ve ever seen so I couldn’t manage to find a single seat on there. Then y bus was full so I had to stand in line in the pouring rain for the next one, luckily they called one in. Then it was packed so I had to stand… I thought the bus would hit the breaks at some point and I’d fly forward from no strength to hold on.

To make matters worse this guy started bugging me on the ferry even though I had my headphones on, and then he bugged me the entire time in line for the bus and then followed me off the bus. I got off at Burrard to transfer to the Richmond B-Line and HE FOLLOWED ME! I asked him where he was heading and he said it didn’t matter, he was going wherever.

Took me a bit to find the right bus stop for the B-Line and sure enough he sat down there too. He asked me if he could find hotels along the way, I said not ’til he got to Richmond. He asked if that was where I was going. No. I was getting off at 70th Ave, the next stop over the bridge would be Richmond though. So I figured I’d loose him there… but he got off at my stop! I gave him a weird look so he went a different way.

Walked the twelve… fourteen blocks to Cory’s. Was late ’cause of all the bus troubles so got changed, turned back around and walked all the way back to Granville to get on another bus only to stand all the way to Granville Station. Then it took me a bit to find Granville Station. And old man got off at the Stadium stop too, and the escalators weren’t working so I helped him get to the street, but of course he went out on the other side of the skytrain so I had to walk all the way around. But I made it.

Met up with Courtney, said hi to her folks then we headed in. She bough a couple shirts and what not and we found our seats. Not bad seats! The Wreckers went on first, they were meh. Only words I could make out were my, oh my and that’s ’cause I know the song. HAH! Then it was time for Keith…

and the girls beside Courtney stood up and never sat down. *sigh* I wish people would realize some can’t stand for three hours. But if I wanted to watch I had to. Only time I could sit was when Keith and the band went to the center part for a couple songs. Damn chicks! And the chick beside me was completely tone deaf but singing at the top of her lungs. She didn’t even know the words half the time. Very annoying.

Keith was awesome though. Courtney got some great videos and pictures, I’m hoping she’ll let me nab some to share with you guys.

Getting back to Cory’s was a pain though. I got off at Granville Station and was supposed to find Howe and Dunsmuir. Riiiiight. I got so lost. Had to text Stuart at about midnight for help. Luckily he was still awake, ’cause I hate waking him up. I FINALLY got to Cory’s at like 1:30. Blah. Got to sleep at 3:30, 4ish, then was up at 5:30. Was so tired I couldn’t bring myself to make noise to tell Cory I was awake when he got up at 6 though, lol. Finally dragged my as out of bed and Cory and I took the same bus so we actually had some time to chat. YAY! And I made the 8:30 boat… dad picked my up in Nanaimo and took me to lunch and what not, then it was home.

I was in such a shitty mood though, I just couldn’t help it. All the walking and standing had my body in so much pain. Tuesday when Stuart got home from work I was on the couch nearly in tears, and I didn’t know why. He asked me if I wanted to talk… no. Talk about what? So he just paid attention to me… it was kind of cute. I felt kind of guilty ’cause I couldn’t tell him what was wrong, but I think he understood that I didn’t understand what was wrong. He watched some tv with me and just sat on the couch with me… it helped more than you’d believe.

Yesterday Stuart had the day off work. Why? ‘Cause I had to go to Comox to get my wisdom teeth out. I was so nervous, I mean with how all my pain is exaggerated (why do I always want to spell that with two x’s???) and what not, I didn’t know what to expect. The dentist was cool though… he went over my medical history with me so he knew about the hypothyroidism. He gave me a special medicine when he put me out ’cause it would make me happy. That was cool. I was out like a light. I sort of woke up at the end, don’t remember much though. I was wide awake for all of post-op though, which surprised them. But I had gauze in my mouth so I couldn’t talk to ask for a book or something. Grrr.

Then one of the nurses said I could go but my ride wasn’t there. When the nurses changed over the new one asked me my boyfriends name and went to find him. He was there… he was there the whole time! My dad did stop in just after my surgery started to give them a cheque so I guess the other nurse thought he was my ride. But no… grrr.

When we got back to Campbell River Stuart was sweet enough to run me to my mom’s, then dad’s, then London Drugs, then Save On Foods. LOL. We got my prescriptions, some yogurt and then came home. He got called in to work to do a run so we asked Jeff to come over ’cause someone needed to sit with me that night.

Well… the dentist prescribed percocet. Oh yes, percocet make me haaaaaaaaappy. LOL. So happy. Also got prescribed something for swelling and an antiiotic, and gravol since I can’t really take anything with FOOD. The freezing is just now wearing off and I’m happy for the pills. They also help with sleep… only woke up once last night. That was awesome. My jaw is starting to kill now though.

Today is a lazy day. Jeffrey lent me his laptop so I could stay comfortable on the couch with pillows and what not. And that’s what I plan to do, just stay in my pj’s doing nothing on the couch. Right now I’m going to have some soup before the pain comes on completely, then I’ll take a percocet and take a nap here.

Last night was so weird though… I was in some uncomfort and pain and yet I was in the best mood I’ve been in in forever. And I’m in a decent mood today even though Stuart phoned and woke me up at 10:30. ‘Course he was phoning to check on me so that’s kind of sweet….

I’m going to Vancouver tomorrow. I’m going to see Keith Urban at GM Place with my friend Courtney from LiveJournal. There’s a cool story as to why we’re going to this together, but I’m not in the mood to share it right now. So I get to get up early tomorrow and Stuart is driving me down to Nanaimo where I’ll grab the 12:50 boat. I should be at Cory’s by about 3:30… 4:00ish… provided somebody will be there. I just e-mailed him so hopefully he’ll get back to me on that. Might have to not take a bag if no one will be there… I’m sure I can survive in my Keith Urban t-shirt for two days.

Anyways, I don’t really want to go. How fucked up is that??? Like, I want to go to the concert, don’t get me wrong. This will make Keith one of my most seen people in concert, gotta love that. I just don’t feel up to the whole trip. I can’t afford to drive over so I’m relying on Vancouver transit. That’s all fine since it’s pretty reliable, what I’m worried about is the walking. There’s not a whole lot involved, but I can’t really do any without ending up sore and exhausted. I thing just Granville to Cory’s, about three or four blocks, will be the death of me. And I have to do it four times….

On top of that I’m not going to get much sleep. As far as I can tell I’ll probably be taking the 8:30 ferry Monday morning… so I’ll get to Cory’s around 11:00 or 11:30 Sunday night. Then it’ll take me forever, as it always does, to get to sleep, and then I’ll have to wake up at like 6:15 ’cause the bus I need to get is at 7:00 and I need to give myself time to drag myself back to Granville St.

That’s providing Liz is still picking me up Monday though. If that falls through, which it might, then I’ll have to wait for Stuart to get off work and come get me. He gets off at 5:30! Ugh. And I imagine Cory and Clinton work Monday so I’ll have to kill time… either in downtown Vancouver or in Nanaimo. Really probably both. And I won’t have much money to do anything. *cries*

This trip has been planned for ages, why is it getting all fucked up now? No better on Courtney’s end either, she had a major complication with rides to. Stuart is supposed to have Sundays and Mondays off… but of course he has to work this Monday. *sigh* I have been prepared for that for a while though, hence Liz picking me up. I just really, really hope she still plans on doing so. Killing ten hours doesn’t sound pleasant to me. Even if I will have my iPod with me.

And then after I get back… Wednesday I get my wisdom teeth out. What a week!

I realize a lot of my posts lately have been about how much pain I’m in and how bad I feel, and I realize it’s a bit of a downer. But I can’t help it. I live with this day in and day out. Last night the pain was so bad I was laying on my back and couldn’t move. An inch even. It even woke Stuart up, and trust me that is a feat in itself, and he massaged my back for about half an hour! It helped a little, enough that I could get back to sleep. So that was nice. But I surely do not want to have to wake him up everytime I’m in pain. Worst part is I took a felxoral last night, so not only was the pain not as bad as it could probably get, but the fact that I was woken up by it only hours after taking the pill is scary. Those suckers really knock me out. I realize I probably shouldn’t but tonight I’m going to take two… I just want a full nights sleep! If it doesn’t work I’m going to the doctor, either tomorrow or Saturday. I really hope they can do more than what I usually get from doctors… “Avoid caffiene, make a set schedule, blah blah blah.” I am avoiding caffiene and as for a set schedule, it’s kind of difficult right now. Not getting sleep at a time when your body wants like fifteen hours a day is baaaaaad. Trust me.

I don’t understand why everything seems so difficult these days. It took me four hours to convince myself I could do the dishes… and it only took twenty minutes when I had finally started. It hurt to stand for that long, sure, and I was a little peeved that I had to do them yet again… but it’s not like it was that big of a deal. My body just does not what to do anything except lie on the couch. And yet at the same time I want to go for a walk or a run because I can feel the muscles getting kind of lethargic, but this is not an option. As much as I would love to do a daily run, or even a walk around the block I can not. I can barely find the strength and energy to do the stairs from the car to the apartment….

And my moods! Oh man, I do not understand how a simple matter of no fruit can make me so pissed off. Luckily we went grocery shopping and fixed that problem last night, but that’s hardly the point. The stupidest shit upsets me. It’s not focused on Stuart as much as it was before, which is nice because he didn’t deserve that. I think he’s actually been a little better too, which helps. I see him trying to help out, and he doesn’t poke fun as much as before. I can laugh at myself but when my mood is shitty I don’t want someone making fun of me because of it. He seems to understand that now.

Now I’m going to get ready for bed and pray to the sandman that I can get a full night’s sleep. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I hate the weird moods I keep getting. It takes very little to make me upset, but it doesn’t take a lot to cheer me up at time either. The other morning… Tuesday I believe, I was exhausted in the morning. Made no sense to me since I was alright Monday and I actually got a decent amount of sleep. But no, I was so tired. I heard Stuart’s phone go off ’cause usually he works Tuesday, but he had this week off, but I could not bring myself to move in the least! Then about an hour and a half later I was woken up again, this time by Stuart’s beard/stubble. He was getting up but before he did he’d rolled over and given me a kiss on the cheek. No reason why… I mean he thought I was asleep so it obviously wasn’t for my benefit. That put me in a very good mood that day.

All week I’ve been in a lot of pain. My upper back and shoulders absolutely kill. They burn, and are stiff, and I can’t really lift my arms. I hate it. And it really hurts. Stuart tries to rub it but either it’s rather numb and I can’t feel him doing so, or it’s really sensitive and him touching it kills me. I simply can not win.

I wish my mother would stop thinking of me as a freaking taxi-cab. She’s always calling me for rides, and she’s quite a ways away from me so she expects me to drive all the way out there, drive here around, and then drive all the way back. WTF??? And the other night she had me run her downtown then Burt had to go “somewhere”. Turned out he was doing a fucking drug run. I was so pissed. My mom knows I don’t want to be put in that position. I don’t run her drugs and I don’t run her around drugs so she can buy them. I WAS SO FUCKING MAD!!!

In better news Kenny Chesney’s album is really good. I wasn’t the biggest fan of his last few albums but this one seems a lot better. His voice sounds good and clear, the music content is solid and… there’s a duet with George Strait! You can’t lose with the King on your album ya know? But seriously, awesome cd. And having the ability to put it on my iPod made my year. Seriously. I missed updating my iPod with all the various crap!!!

Last night I couldn’t sleep… so I started thinking. That’s never a good thing, ’cause then I’ll never get to sleep. I finally went out into the living room because I was scared of disturbing Stuart too much. I eventually fell asleep and that’s where Stuart found me this morning. I think he thought I was upset but that wasn’t it, really!

I went back into the bedroom and a little bit later he came in to check on me. See, he is pretty good about hearing stuff when I tell him straight out. I told him I was fine but he laid down in front of me and hugged me anyways. LOL, so cute. I explained I just simply couldn’t sleep. *shrugs*

He started getting ready for work and all the stuff I was thinking back came back into my head again. Finally as he was leaving for work I asked him to do me a favour… when we have a moment alone (Henry comes in tonight) I asked him to make some time for me so we can have a talk. A real talk where he won’t make fun or change the subject. He’s really good at that. He promised to do so.

So now I have to straighten out everything I wanna talk about. It’s not necessarily bad stuff, just stuff I want him to know and understand. I have a terrible of habit of forgetting everything I mean to say when I get the opportunity tio say it… and I really don’t want to do that this time.

I want to explain this whole “depression” thing. I’m not considered clinically depressed because I’m happy more than I’m upset, and I don’t feel worthless or anything. It’s mainly at night I get down, and the stupidest stuff can cause it. I had a complete nervous breakdown Sunday ’cause there was too much laundry to put away! He’s not at fault for my down mood, actually he makes it better. You wouldn’t know it since I can still get down but I saw how bad it got when he wasn’t here to try to cheer me up… he really makes a difference.

He also needs to understand that I can’t always talk to him about what’s bothering me… I don’t know what’s bothering me a lot of the time. I love that he wants to understand the stupid shit going on in my head but he can’t always do so, sometimes he just needs to sit back and let me be upset for a while.

There’s a lot of other things I want to discuss but I’m not really comfortable posting them online. Hopefully my brother and Henry don’t take over the apartment all weekend!

Last night I felt like crap. For no reason. It’s really hard to explain but sometimes I’m just depressed. It is a symptom of hypothyroidism… so yeah. I’m usually fine during the day and get worse as the night goes on. Like yesterday. Stuart and I were watching Jack & Bobby and I was trying to tell him that there was fucked up stuff in my head but he just wasn’t clueing in to how serious I was.

I was getting really frustrated… he just wouldn’t hear what I was saying. I kept trying to tell him until we went to bed… then I said something and he made a joke about it. Oh, I was so pissed. I got up, dressed and left. Slammed the door and just walked away. Of course with my muscles and all right now I couldn’t get far. *sigh* And had to come home. I was probably gone half an hour. I came in expecting him to be asleep but he’d stayed up…. I went and laid down on the couch and he came over and just held me for a bit.

Finally he went to bed and I followed. I wanted to just cry but I kept it in. I wanted to yell at him for being so ignorant and clueless, but I didn’t.

See… my moods are better when he’s around but they still go up and down. Sometime’s I just want him to pause whatever he’s doing for two seconds and come over and put his arms around me. Seriously, that really does make me feel better. I don’t need him to understand why I’m upset, I don’t understand it, I just need him to be there for me.

Last night I laid there for about ten minutes thinking about that and finally worked up the courage to ask him to put his arms around me. I didn’t think he would… he was mad ’cause he didn’t know why I was mad and everything… but he did. He rolled over and held me tight. Awww.

This morning I tried explaining it best I could and I think he kind of understands. He’s really protective so when he realized how I was and how he wasn’t helping with his jokes I think he felt bad. I don’t want him to feel bad!

He did do everything he could to cheer me up this morning, and it worked! He has this pair of boxer shorts that has snowmen on them, but they look like mushrooms. Seriously, first time I saw him wear ‘em I was like, “Why are you wearing mushrooms???” Haha. I hate them. He got three new pairs of boxers in Calgary so I was trying to convince him he could lose a pair last night but he said no. But this morning when he got out of bed he was like, “OK, are you watching???” And when I looked up he ripped them in half. YEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

I love that boy!

Stuart gets home tomorrow!! They’re driving from Calgary so I’m not expecting him until later in the evening. Which is great ’cause I managed to do nothing in the apartment today. It’s not that messy but when I tried to start cleaning up I had a complete breakdown. I just got overwhelmed and fed up and started crying. Seriously. Welcome to my life.

I really want to just talk everything out with someone but everytime I try they always manage to change the subject or make it about them. Which… I mean whatever… I know it’s all kind of depressing so who wants to sit there and go through all that? But Stuart will. He’ll listen to everything and hold me and try to understand but admit he doesn’t.

I love him but I hate how much I need him!