A Rose By Any Other Name…

1. Have you had your birthday yet? Yes, it’s in the first couple weeks of the year.
2. Are you with the same person as you were at the beginning of 2007? I wasn’t with anyone at the beginning of the year, but I’m still with the only person I’ve been with in 2007.
3. Are you still in the same job? Kinda, currently I’m not working but I’m still employed there.
4. Is your favorite color the same color? Yup.
5. Have you got the same style/colour hair? Umm… pretty much I guess. I usually keep it dyed with a red tint and then straight… it’s probably a little shorter.
6. Have you bought a new car this year? No.
7. Anything exciting happen this year? Oh yeah.
8. Have you been involved with the police this year? Other than phoning in drunk drivers from work, no.
9. Favorite all time drinking place for 2007? Didn’t really drink this year.
10. Is your best friend still your best friend? Yup!
11. Got any tattoos or piercings this year? Yes, got a cartiledge piercing in my right ear… but it came out the other day and I can’t get it back in.
12. Had a haircut? Yes.
13. Been in a hospital this year? Yup, few times.
14. Lost someone you cared about this year? No.
15. Been on a vacation this year? Not really, no.
16. Been in love this year? Yup, and it gets stronger every day. (Ugh, so cliche)
17. Fallen out of love this year? Nope.
18. Been kicked out of a pub this year? Nope.
19. Completed any studies this year? No.
20. Read any books? Tons.
21. Worst thing to happen this year? This illness doctors can’t diagnose.
22. Best thing to happen this year? Stuart.
23. How many times have you gotten drunk? None.
24. Has this year been a good one so far? Despite being sick it’s been a very good year, I’m happier than I’ve ever been.

Yesterday I was in a pretty crappy mood when Stuart got home. I’d just finished cleaning up the apartment… Friday mornings the boys go out to work so Henry brings his dirty dishes out of his room and what not. It’s so disgusting. Those boys have never heard of rinsing dishes! So it took me forever to get that stuff clean, and I was in more pain than ever so I was grouchy.

When Stuart came in I didn’t really look up from what I was reading on the computer screen, so he could tell I wasn’t in a great mood. He asked me what was wrong, if I was mad at him, sore or what. I said I was just kind of frustrated. So he comes over and puts this thing of flowers beside me and asks if that’ll make me feel better.

…

Yeah, that could do it. LOL. They’re miniature roses, kinda cute. LOL. And there wasn’t really any reason for him to do it so that’s always nice. He’s always doing sweet things for no reason though. One time I asked if we had any chocolate because I was craving some, but we didn’t so I just shrugged it off. All of a sudden he was gone and came back with some chocolate covered peanuts for me. LOL. So random.

Oh, and he deleted all his porn off the computer. I didn’t even ask him to do that… I never said stop looking at porn, I just said cut down on it. But no, he deleted it all. LOL. He didn’t even blink when he did so.

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I do not understand why so many people turn to drugs. Joe Nichols has now entered a rehab facility for substance abuse. *shakes head* I guess maybe it’s because I grew up surrounded by drugs and what not and have seen the consequences… but I just don’t see the appeal. They take all your money, change your personality (never for the better), and really just ruin your lives. It cliche, but seriously, don’t do drugs.

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As I mentioned above the pain has gotten to it’s worse point. I can barely move because all my muscles stiffen up. The pain is incredible. It’s like I’ve been beaten repeatedly with a baseball bat. Everything feels bruised and sore… it’s insane. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow so I’m hoping he’ll be able to do something, preferably without drugging me up. The Prozac has seemed to give me more energy… but it doesn’t help me sleep at all so my body feels tired but I feel awake. It’s insane, I hate it.

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Thank God it’s Saturday! That means yesterday the new Stargate Atlantis aired. Hehe. I’ve already downloaded it and am currently converting it to my iPod. Every Saturday night Stuart and I curl up and watch SGA. Good times. I wonder what we’ll do next weekend since we’ve already seen that episode… silly iTunes giving out the wrong episode!

OK, started the pills this morning. It didn’t go down to smooth, as pills don’t always like to. Well about fifteen minutes after I took it my throat burned, like burned. It was so weird. And then I was very awake, so I got up (this is like 8:30, not used to being up then!). Not long after my stomach was burning like my throat so I had some yogurt. About an hour later my stomach was really upset so I had a small snack hoping some food would help calm it, which it did. Which pretty much confirms that it’s the pill causing it.

But my throat still burns, my stomach still aches and I feel like I’m going to throw up! Add to this the fact that tonight and tomorrow I have to go see the boyfriend’s parents (Thanksgiving dinner tonight, his birthday stuff tomorrow). That always makes me nervous enough without feeling sick to my stomach.

I hate life.

In better news I am the master of Wii bowling!

OK, so I’m fairly certain I just posted an entry talking about how my moods are a little whacked, but how I’m not depressed. I mean I get down sometimes, but I have good moods too. And whatever.

Today I went to the doctor. My doctor was back, ’cause he was on vacation back in August and a different doctor diagnosed hypothyroidism. Well my doc looks at my test results and says there’s no indication of hypothyroidism. WHAT????? He asked how the month with the Synthroid was and I told him I saw no change so he stopped that. So what did he prescribe this time you ask?

Prozac.

Yup, the anti-depressant. He never said I was depressed, but that’s what he wrote on my EI form. He said there was something else he would have prescribed but it increases your appetite, so he figured this was a better route. Fair enough. And if it helps then I’m all for it ’cause God knows I want to get back to work… Hell I just want my energy back! But at the same time it’s… I don’t know. I don’t really want to go to Stuart tonight when he gets home and tell him we need to go pick up my prescription for PROZAC, you know?

Oh, and I looked up Prozac on Wikipedia ’cause I like knowing what I’m putting in my body. It says, “Fluoxetine {Prozac} is generally well tolerated.” Well that’s good, but then it goes on to list the common side effects….

• Akathisia
• Anxiety
• Asthenia
• Headache
• Flu syndrome
• Fever
• Vasodilatation
• Nausea
• Diarrhea
• Dry mouth
• Dyspepsia
• Insomnia
• Nervousness
• Somnolence
• Dizziness
• Tremor
• Sweating
• Dilated pupils
• Heartburn
• Seizures
• Hives
• Rash

Uh… right. As if I wasn’t bothered beforehand that I’d be taking something that messes with my brain chemicals! Ugh.

In other news Stuart royally fucked up the other day. He had a profile on an online dating site, which I was aware of. However, the other day a friend brought to my attention again and when I took a look… he had updated it! Yeah, not impressed.

I wasn’t mad because I know Stuart enough to know he wasn’t really doing anything on the site… but at the same time it hurt. A lot. And when he got home I had originally wanted to yell and scream… but that’s not me… and like I said, I wasn’t mad. So in the end I just couldn’t speak to him at all. He thought I was upset because he had come home at 1:30 to get the car for his dentist appointment because something happened at work and he couldn’t take his bosses. Well he was PISSED, even punched the wall. He thought he’d freaked me out, but he hadn’t. That didn’t bother me really, I mean he took it out on the wall, not me.

So he wanted to know what he did but I told him point blank, the way I was feeling I couldn’t take him turning it into a joke, or even worse giving me the silent treatment like he usually does. He promised he wouldn’t, not this time, so I told him. His response? “I’m sorry for hurting you.” And then he said he didn’t really have anything more he could say.

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. I’m smart enough to know Stuart can’t come up with stuff off the top of his head so I thought I’d give him some time, figured he’d realize what he needed to say. But no, I got absolutely nothing. Now I was mad.

Yesterday when he got home from work I asked if I was going to get a real apology? I asked him if he had realized he needed to say something. He went out. *shrugs* He was only gone for about half an hour… came home with some groceries so I can’t complain there. He watched Walk The Line with me, ’cause I’d put it on to cheer me up… and then he finally apologized. Not for hurting me, which is all fine and good, but for what he actually did. And then he assured me he wasn’t looking for somebody else, wasn’t leaving, etc. The stuff deep down I knew, but after something like this needed to hear, ya know?

In the end I had to egg him on to say it but I’m glad I didn’t have to tell him what to say. And he deleted the profile without blinking afterwards which made me feel better. I mean like I said I know he wasn’t doing anything wrong, probably just killing time, but he obviously hadn’t taken my feelings into account at all which hurt….

See, now if that can’t make me depressed why the fuck am I on Prozac???

Oh, and when he went out yesterday he got a points card for the Wii, which he hid from me. After I went to bed he downloaded Super Mario 64, Pac Man and Yoshi… all games I would love to play. That was kind of sweet.

Back at the end of June Stuart’s friend Steve was up for a couple weekends. He brought along his Nintendo Wii at one point and Stuart couldn’t stop talking about how much he wanted one. So Jeffrey, my mom and I started conspiring THEN to get him a Nintendo Wii for his birthday (which is October 8th). Unfortunately with my being off work and what not I didn’t think it would happen… but I got a phone call yesterday from my brother. He was on his way home from work and stopped in Courtenay to pick up the Wii, and said I could pay him back in increments over the next little bit! And my dad went down to pick Jeffrey up at WalMart, and when he saw what Jeff was doing he insisted on getting a game and an extra controller as well.

Jeffrey texts me last night to come downstairs ALONE so I did, and he showed me what they got. I was so excited for Stuart to get it, and Jeffrey was too so there was NO WAY we could possibly wait until Monday! Now I’ve been dropping hints for the last little bit about the gift… saying there was a few people going in on it together… and I told him not to spend his PayPal stuff until after his birthday ’cause he might need it for other stuff… and I told him we had to get it in Courtenay….

Well I come back upstairs and ask him if he wants his birthday present. He tried to shrug it off saying “Sure”, but he’d already said he was excited so I know he was playing. LOL. So I tell Jeff to come in, and of course it’s not wrapped so he comes in holding the Wii box… Stuart almost fell off his chair! HEHEHE. He could not believe it. It was so awesome to see his reaction. Hehe.

I asked him later if he really didn’t know what he was getting and he said he had no clue. He thought we were getting him a rare Transformer or something, he never thought we would get him something like these. He runs himself down a little too much sometimes… doesn’t believe people love him enough to do something like this. But I was so excited to get him something he really wanted there was no way I was going to settle for anything less!

I am surprised my dad pitched in as much as he did… but at the same time not really. LOL.

I am so fucking sick of this. The insomnia is something I’ve gotten used to. It takes me hours to get to sleep, and then I wake up four or five times in a night. It’s become routine and I can do it. But tonight… the pain in my back is so bad I can’t even lay down!!! It’s in my shoulder blades, and down my spine, and it’s even going down my arms. My chest feels like it’s tightening up and I can’t breath. I know I should take some pain killers but I am so, so, so sick of having to take them every God damned day. I feel like my mother… albeit she takes about 50 a day (I am not exaggerating, sad yes?) and I take maybe four. But still… I had having to rely on them. And the only ones that work are the ones with codene in them… and I don’t like that.

I didn’t realize how much no sleep was bothering me until I came out here and broke down into tears. I just hate waking up, looking at the clock and realizing I’d only been asleep for an hour or two. And repeating this all night. And now the pain!!! And when I mention pain as something that is keeping me from sleep then it’s bad because I’m constantly in pain. I AM SO SICK OF THIS.

Today Stuart and I got onto the subject of depression and he said he doesn’t understand how some people can be so down all the time for no reason. I hide my depression really well, partly because I’m not your typical depressed, but I’m surprised he hasn’t noticed. He knows the illness causes mood swings so I’m more irritable and what not at times, but the fact that he hasn’t realized that sometimes I am just depressed surprised me. The last thing Stuart does is ignore me, he actually pays so much attention at times when I am depressed and trying to hide it it’s frustrating. But he’s not great at picking up subtle stuff so I guess keeping it inside works.

And when I say I’m not typical depressed… I don’t sit here upset all the time or numb. In fact I laugh a lot, usually at Stuart. When I hear him coming in from work I always smile, even when I’m mad at him! New Stargate Atlantis episodes make me squee in glee, and my brother being his dumbass self keeps me highly amused. It’s mostly when I’m alone that the depression hits. I think it’s just that at those times I realize how shitty everything is. Stuart goes off to work and I’m stuck in the apartment for the day. Often I’m stuck on the couch… where I need to have a nap at some point.

It’s sad, I wake up around 1 or 2 in the afternoon, Stuart gets home just after 5:30… and between that time I usually need a half hour nap! God forbid I need to have a long shower or do the dishes too… ’cause that’s ALL my energy. I’ve even given up on getting dressed on a lot of days because my bra and jeans ’cause tremendous pain. The seams of jeans HURT. And it’s not like they’re tight or anything, they fit me just fine.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this!!!!!!

I want to go to sleep. I want a full nights sleep. I NEED some real rest.

Tomorrow, or today I guess, I go for new blood work. So this week I’ll have to go to the doctor. Hopefully he can help me…even if it means a prescription for sleep. Obviously the thyroid pills did NOTHING so maybe there’s another explanation??? I just want to be better. I want to go back to work. I want to be in a place where Stuart doesn’t feel the need to stress about money and what not. Please God, help me.

I wish I could just turn my brain off. So much stuff on my mind is bothering me, and most of it I don’t even know why. It’s not like there’s anything serious or bad, but all this stuff is weighing down on me and I don’t know what to do. I tried to talk to Stuart last night at his insistance but that just lead to me being upset that whenever I talk he goes completely silent. Then it lead to us having a very serious and much needed talk. That was nice, but it still leaves me with all this crap on my mind and no outlet.

Poor Stuart is still at work! He had to go in an hour early today, and then came home at four to change and headed back out. They’re doing inventory at the Mazda dealership. When they did it at Honda he was home a little after ten so I imagine he’ll be home soon.

Just after I woke up today I get a phone call from him… just checking in to see if I was downloading the new Stargate Atlantis episode. Hehe. He doesn’t phone from work often, but when he does it’s usually for a really random reason. He’s just so cute. And I got him addicted to Stargate Atlantis, which makes me happy. Except now Carson is gone… not sure how I’ll accept this new season yet.

So yesterday I thought I was doing pretty good. I didn’t feel sick, I had some energy (not a lot by about eight at night), and nothing hurt too much… just my back was stiff. Well Stuart gave me a back rub last night which helped with that stuff, but every touch felt like I was being beaten with a baseball bat. I just don’t understand it. Is it a nerve problem? Is it my skin? It’s just so weird.

For example, I’m sitting crosslegged right now. The spot on my left leg where the right leg crosses it HURTS. Feels like I have a three hundred pound steel bar resting on it. Like what the hell??? Lately I have been spending most of the day in my pajamas unless I’m going out or someone is coming over because my jeans and bra are painful to wear. I really, really hate this.

Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry because I feel so useless. I mean I can’t do anything it seems. I can’t leave the apartment without someone with me really. If I went for a walk alone I would end up exhausted and unable to get back. If I was driving alone and exhaustion hit… well that could have very bad outcomes. So I’m trapped here day after day with nothing except the internet and my iPod, and the continuous amount of dishes that pile up.

I’m really starting to hate this whole being sick thing. Besides Stuart no one really understands. My mom still thinks I should help her move, Amanda says I’m lazy for still being off work… I don’t know how much more I can really take.

The only good news I have is with all of this my moods still aren’t as bad as they were. Always nice when depression isn’t thrown into the mix as well!

Someone uploaded this new reality show called “Nashville” so I checked it out ’cause Jamey Johnson was mentioned. He wasn’t in the pilot episode (I don’t think he’s really in it much) but it was still a good show. It follows all these people as they try to become famous country singers and what not. My favourite is most definitely Chuck Wicks. He has this new song out called “Stealing Cinderella”. It’s not featured on the show, too recent I think, but I found it on YouTube and man is it ever something. I guess this means he’s been picked up by a label (the pilot had one label really interested in him) so that’s cool. I’m going to post the lyrics at the bottom of this post… but first I have some other things to share.

I caught a cold from Stuart’s son. No biggie, mostly a sore throat… but I have more energy. Seriously. Yesterday I had to be up at about ten because we had an apartment inspection, and I managed to do a full day. I went to bed around twelve last night and I wasn’t exhausted! Today I slept until about noon but I wasn’t groggy when I got up like I would usually be. It’s just really weird. I don’t know if it’s actually related but the timing is funny, and nothing else has happened to really change my energy levels. It’s so bizarre.

Last night we had to take Jeffrey to mom’s to get some stuff since mom moves at the end of the month. Well she started ranting ’cause she needs help moving and I said I can’t. She goes on to say it’s seventeen stairs up to the apartment and she needs help bringing the couches up! I stared at her and she went on to say I could at least help with the small stuff.

OK, the seventeen stairs will probably take everything out of me on a single trip and she expects me to go up and down? And there’s no point arguing with her ’cause she won’t hear it. Luckily Stuart just firmly stated, “She shouldn’t do anything except rest.” She still tried to argue the whole helping with small things but Stuart just stated, “She’ll be spending that day on the couch.” LOL.

He’s so protective. Mom finally agreed he was right too… thank God. I really couldn’t do it. And thank God Stuart is so understanding. I absolutely hate how I’m not able to really do anything but he never complains. Well he does, ’cause he says I don’t let him help me enough. If I’m exhausted but thirsty I get up and make my way to the kitchen for a drink… but I have to hold onto walls and what not to stay up. He keeps telling me to ask him to get me the drink or whatever but I hate that idea… sitting on the couch being all, “Stuart can you bring me this? That?” I mean he works hard every day he should be able to rest when he gets home.

His birthday is coming up on the 8th of October. Jeffrey and I are getting him something I know he’ll love so I’m getting excited. I think we may give him a birthday dinner and what not on the 4th since Jeff won’t be in for his birthday. Plus there’s a dinner planned at his parents the night of his birthday (which also happens to be Thanksgiving) so this way he can have one here too… with an Optimus Prime cake of course. LOL.

Stealing Cinderella
by Chuck Wicks

I came to see her dad
To sit down man to man
It wasn’t any secret
I’d be asking for her hand
I guess that’s why he left me waiting
In a living room by myself
With at least a dozen pictures of her
Sitting on a shelf

She was playing Cinderella
She was ridin’ her first bike
Bouncin’ on the bed
And lookin’ for a pillow fight
Runnin’ through the sprinklers
With a big popcicle grin
Dancin’ with her dad
Lookin’ up at him
In her eyes I’m Prince Charmin’
But to him I’m just some fella
Ridin’ in
Stealing Cinderella

I leaned in towards those pictures
To get a better look at one
When I heard a voice behind me say
Ain’t she somethin’ son
I said yes she’s quite a woman
And he just stared at me
And I realized that in his eyes
She would always be

She was playing Cinderella
She was ridin’ her first bike
Bouncin’ on the bed
And lookin’ for a pillow fight
Runnin’ through the sprinklers
With a big popcicle grin
Dancin’ with her dad
Lookin’ up at him
In her eyes I’m Prince Charmin’
But to him I’m just some fella
Ridin’ in
Stealing Cinderella

He slapped me on the shoulder
Then he called her in the room
When she put her arms around him
That’s when I could see it too

She was playing Cinderella
She was ridin’ her first bike
Bouncin’ on the bed
And lookin’ for a pillow fight
Runnin’ through the sprinklers
With a big popcicle grin
Dancin’ with her dad
Lookin’ up at him
If he gives me a hard time
I can’t blame the fella
I’m the one who’s stealing
Cinderella

I actually got an apology! I don’t know what happened, but Sunday Stuart’s son was here. At one point I went out to fill the car with gas, and when I came back Stuart said he was sorry. All I could think was, “Great… what did you do now?” But that night when we went to sleep he apologized again… and I said that that’s all fine and good, but unless he understands why I was upset (and by Sunday something else had happened that I won’t share on here) it doesn’t really do much. But he listed off most of the things he did wrong… I was impressed.

He didn’t know what else had happened, but I didn’t expect him to. So he let me explain what was going on. Finally.

A friend asked me one day if the relationship is worth it, what with how insensitive Stuart can be. And it is…. I realize I rant about him a lot, but really it’s a way to let me get it all out. I would prefer to go off on my blog or to a friend than to yell at him, ’cause I don’t like doing that. I like to rationally talk things out. And he’s really good about listening…. He never gets the attitude that I’m always mad so why should he try or anything. I’m a fairly patient and fair person so when he pushes me that far… he wants to know what he did. And he really does work on doing better, it’s just going to take a lot more time.

He needs to work on the silent treatment though, ’cause I’m sick of getting it. He knows that too ’cause that was one of the first things he mentioned in his list of apologies. Gotta get him making some decisions too… I don’t understand why everything comes down to me. :\

Physically I’m doing… I dunno how I’m doing. The wisdom teeth never hurt too bad, the pills were more brutal than anything. But when the pain killers ran out I did start getting this pressure in my jaw that is really uncomfortable, but I imagine that’ll go away soon. Worse though, is my neck, shoulders and back feel completely bruised. Like my whole body always feels bruised but this is really sensitive. Stuart blew on my back the other night and it hurt! And laying on a pillow or anything hurts… basically having something touch my neck and back means pain, and how do you sleep without something there. Even flat on a mattress that’s touching!

So I’m not getting much sleep. And yesterday I was exhausted. I’ve never felt like that before. I got a little sleep last night but I was still up every couple hours… I really hate this!

Another week and I go back to the doctor, hopefully this time they can do something that works!

Grrr. Last night Stuart insisted I tell him what was making me so mad, even though I said it wouldn’t change anything. So I told him… he can’t EVER help me around the house. If I’m incapable of doing whatever than it all just piles up. I mean, he came home yesterday and found me sick on the couch ’cause I’d been up for so long, and it was obvious I’d been cleaning the apartment. First thing he does? Throw his jacket in the middle of the living room floor.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I tell him all this and all he does is give me the fucking silent treatment. I hate the silent treatment. I’ve told him that a thousand times. I don’t care if he yells or swears or whatever, just don’t give me the fucking silent treatment.

I am so sick of having no help. I mean I only need to be off my feet for a couple more days (really until I’m done the percocet which will be tomorrow… ’cause they make me nauseus when I stand) but you think he’s going to help me at all in that time frame??? Not that he really can, we’re going to dinner at his parents tonight and then he has to go over there again tomorrow. But that’s kind of why I had hoped he would have helped out a couple days ago!

I had to clean every dish in the house yesterday. And he wonders why I’m pissed…. UGH!!!