A Rose By Any Other Name…

I wish I could just turn my brain off. So much stuff on my mind is bothering me, and most of it I don’t even know why. It’s not like there’s anything serious or bad, but all this stuff is weighing down on me and I don’t know what to do. I tried to talk to Stuart last night at his insistance but that just lead to me being upset that whenever I talk he goes completely silent. Then it lead to us having a very serious and much needed talk. That was nice, but it still leaves me with all this crap on my mind and no outlet.

Poor Stuart is still at work! He had to go in an hour early today, and then came home at four to change and headed back out. They’re doing inventory at the Mazda dealership. When they did it at Honda he was home a little after ten so I imagine he’ll be home soon.

Just after I woke up today I get a phone call from him… just checking in to see if I was downloading the new Stargate Atlantis episode. Hehe. He doesn’t phone from work often, but when he does it’s usually for a really random reason. He’s just so cute. And I got him addicted to Stargate Atlantis, which makes me happy. Except now Carson is gone… not sure how I’ll accept this new season yet.

So yesterday I thought I was doing pretty good. I didn’t feel sick, I had some energy (not a lot by about eight at night), and nothing hurt too much… just my back was stiff. Well Stuart gave me a back rub last night which helped with that stuff, but every touch felt like I was being beaten with a baseball bat. I just don’t understand it. Is it a nerve problem? Is it my skin? It’s just so weird.

For example, I’m sitting crosslegged right now. The spot on my left leg where the right leg crosses it HURTS. Feels like I have a three hundred pound steel bar resting on it. Like what the hell??? Lately I have been spending most of the day in my pajamas unless I’m going out or someone is coming over because my jeans and bra are painful to wear. I really, really hate this.

Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry because I feel so useless. I mean I can’t do anything it seems. I can’t leave the apartment without someone with me really. If I went for a walk alone I would end up exhausted and unable to get back. If I was driving alone and exhaustion hit… well that could have very bad outcomes. So I’m trapped here day after day with nothing except the internet and my iPod, and the continuous amount of dishes that pile up.

I’m really starting to hate this whole being sick thing. Besides Stuart no one really understands. My mom still thinks I should help her move, Amanda says I’m lazy for still being off work… I don’t know how much more I can really take.

The only good news I have is with all of this my moods still aren’t as bad as they were. Always nice when depression isn’t thrown into the mix as well!

Someone uploaded this new reality show called “Nashville” so I checked it out ’cause Jamey Johnson was mentioned. He wasn’t in the pilot episode (I don’t think he’s really in it much) but it was still a good show. It follows all these people as they try to become famous country singers and what not. My favourite is most definitely Chuck Wicks. He has this new song out called “Stealing Cinderella”. It’s not featured on the show, too recent I think, but I found it on YouTube and man is it ever something. I guess this means he’s been picked up by a label (the pilot had one label really interested in him) so that’s cool. I’m going to post the lyrics at the bottom of this post… but first I have some other things to share.

I caught a cold from Stuart’s son. No biggie, mostly a sore throat… but I have more energy. Seriously. Yesterday I had to be up at about ten because we had an apartment inspection, and I managed to do a full day. I went to bed around twelve last night and I wasn’t exhausted! Today I slept until about noon but I wasn’t groggy when I got up like I would usually be. It’s just really weird. I don’t know if it’s actually related but the timing is funny, and nothing else has happened to really change my energy levels. It’s so bizarre.

Last night we had to take Jeffrey to mom’s to get some stuff since mom moves at the end of the month. Well she started ranting ’cause she needs help moving and I said I can’t. She goes on to say it’s seventeen stairs up to the apartment and she needs help bringing the couches up! I stared at her and she went on to say I could at least help with the small stuff.

OK, the seventeen stairs will probably take everything out of me on a single trip and she expects me to go up and down? And there’s no point arguing with her ’cause she won’t hear it. Luckily Stuart just firmly stated, “She shouldn’t do anything except rest.” She still tried to argue the whole helping with small things but Stuart just stated, “She’ll be spending that day on the couch.” LOL.

He’s so protective. Mom finally agreed he was right too… thank God. I really couldn’t do it. And thank God Stuart is so understanding. I absolutely hate how I’m not able to really do anything but he never complains. Well he does, ’cause he says I don’t let him help me enough. If I’m exhausted but thirsty I get up and make my way to the kitchen for a drink… but I have to hold onto walls and what not to stay up. He keeps telling me to ask him to get me the drink or whatever but I hate that idea… sitting on the couch being all, “Stuart can you bring me this? That?” I mean he works hard every day he should be able to rest when he gets home.

His birthday is coming up on the 8th of October. Jeffrey and I are getting him something I know he’ll love so I’m getting excited. I think we may give him a birthday dinner and what not on the 4th since Jeff won’t be in for his birthday. Plus there’s a dinner planned at his parents the night of his birthday (which also happens to be Thanksgiving) so this way he can have one here too… with an Optimus Prime cake of course. LOL.

Stealing Cinderella
by Chuck Wicks

I came to see her dad
To sit down man to man
It wasn’t any secret
I’d be asking for her hand
I guess that’s why he left me waiting
In a living room by myself
With at least a dozen pictures of her
Sitting on a shelf

She was playing Cinderella
She was ridin’ her first bike
Bouncin’ on the bed
And lookin’ for a pillow fight
Runnin’ through the sprinklers
With a big popcicle grin
Dancin’ with her dad
Lookin’ up at him
In her eyes I’m Prince Charmin’
But to him I’m just some fella
Ridin’ in
Stealing Cinderella

I leaned in towards those pictures
To get a better look at one
When I heard a voice behind me say
Ain’t she somethin’ son
I said yes she’s quite a woman
And he just stared at me
And I realized that in his eyes
She would always be

She was playing Cinderella
She was ridin’ her first bike
Bouncin’ on the bed
And lookin’ for a pillow fight
Runnin’ through the sprinklers
With a big popcicle grin
Dancin’ with her dad
Lookin’ up at him
In her eyes I’m Prince Charmin’
But to him I’m just some fella
Ridin’ in
Stealing Cinderella

He slapped me on the shoulder
Then he called her in the room
When she put her arms around him
That’s when I could see it too

She was playing Cinderella
She was ridin’ her first bike
Bouncin’ on the bed
And lookin’ for a pillow fight
Runnin’ through the sprinklers
With a big popcicle grin
Dancin’ with her dad
Lookin’ up at him
If he gives me a hard time
I can’t blame the fella
I’m the one who’s stealing
Cinderella

I actually got an apology! I don’t know what happened, but Sunday Stuart’s son was here. At one point I went out to fill the car with gas, and when I came back Stuart said he was sorry. All I could think was, “Great… what did you do now?” But that night when we went to sleep he apologized again… and I said that that’s all fine and good, but unless he understands why I was upset (and by Sunday something else had happened that I won’t share on here) it doesn’t really do much. But he listed off most of the things he did wrong… I was impressed.

He didn’t know what else had happened, but I didn’t expect him to. So he let me explain what was going on. Finally.

A friend asked me one day if the relationship is worth it, what with how insensitive Stuart can be. And it is…. I realize I rant about him a lot, but really it’s a way to let me get it all out. I would prefer to go off on my blog or to a friend than to yell at him, ’cause I don’t like doing that. I like to rationally talk things out. And he’s really good about listening…. He never gets the attitude that I’m always mad so why should he try or anything. I’m a fairly patient and fair person so when he pushes me that far… he wants to know what he did. And he really does work on doing better, it’s just going to take a lot more time.

He needs to work on the silent treatment though, ’cause I’m sick of getting it. He knows that too ’cause that was one of the first things he mentioned in his list of apologies. Gotta get him making some decisions too… I don’t understand why everything comes down to me. :\

Physically I’m doing… I dunno how I’m doing. The wisdom teeth never hurt too bad, the pills were more brutal than anything. But when the pain killers ran out I did start getting this pressure in my jaw that is really uncomfortable, but I imagine that’ll go away soon. Worse though, is my neck, shoulders and back feel completely bruised. Like my whole body always feels bruised but this is really sensitive. Stuart blew on my back the other night and it hurt! And laying on a pillow or anything hurts… basically having something touch my neck and back means pain, and how do you sleep without something there. Even flat on a mattress that’s touching!

So I’m not getting much sleep. And yesterday I was exhausted. I’ve never felt like that before. I got a little sleep last night but I was still up every couple hours… I really hate this!

Another week and I go back to the doctor, hopefully this time they can do something that works!

Grrr. Last night Stuart insisted I tell him what was making me so mad, even though I said it wouldn’t change anything. So I told him… he can’t EVER help me around the house. If I’m incapable of doing whatever than it all just piles up. I mean, he came home yesterday and found me sick on the couch ’cause I’d been up for so long, and it was obvious I’d been cleaning the apartment. First thing he does? Throw his jacket in the middle of the living room floor.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I tell him all this and all he does is give me the fucking silent treatment. I hate the silent treatment. I’ve told him that a thousand times. I don’t care if he yells or swears or whatever, just don’t give me the fucking silent treatment.

I am so sick of having no help. I mean I only need to be off my feet for a couple more days (really until I’m done the percocet which will be tomorrow… ’cause they make me nauseus when I stand) but you think he’s going to help me at all in that time frame??? Not that he really can, we’re going to dinner at his parents tonight and then he has to go over there again tomorrow. But that’s kind of why I had hoped he would have helped out a couple days ago!

I had to clean every dish in the house yesterday. And he wonders why I’m pissed…. UGH!!!

I am so pissed off at Stuart right now. I’ve told him for the last three days that I am not up to doing anything like dishes, and he says that’s fine. But does it ever cross his mind that maybe HE can do a load of fucking dishes? Of course not, so now there’s this huge stack of dishes in the sink and my head is pounding, my jaw throbbing, I’m dizzy when I stand and I get to do all these fucking dishes. Grrr.

And we ordered Chinese last night, ’cause the noodles and what not are soft enough for me to eat. Well the percocet makes me really sleepy so all of a sudden I couldn’t even keep my eyes open and went to bed. Did it occur to Stuart to maybe put the Chinese food in the fridge? Of course not. But it did occur to him this morning to throw it all out. WHAT THE FUCK??? Even on the counter over night it would have still been fine to reheat. I had purposely ordered extra so there would be some kind of food here I could eat and he fucking threw it out. GOD DAMNIT!

And then last night he informs me, out of the blue when I said I needed the car tonight, that his mom expects him to go over tonight and Sunday. And then we go over for dinner Saturday. This here by makes me a fucking prisoner in the apartment all weekend. I’m fine that he has to go see Logan and whatever, I’m pissed that he never fucking tells me anything. And I’m really sick of the “I forgot” excuse. He didn’t fucking forget, he’s uncomfortable talking to me about stuff like his son. I doubt he’d even have me going for dinner there tomorrow night if I didn’t have to babysit Logan on Monday.

And you what, so what? He’s allowed to be uncomfortable about stuff and that’s not what I’m mad about. I’m mad that he keeps all this shit from me so I find everything out at the last minute… and I’m pissed that he never fucking helps me. He even admits most of the fucking mess in the apartment is his, but I’m expected to clean it up??? I know he’s stressed with work and what not right now so I don’t ask for much, but is putting the clean laundry back in the basket instead of on the floor with the dirty or doing a load of dishes asking too much??????

So the trip to Vancouver was more pain than pleasure, but the concert was worth while.

The ferry boats were busier than I’ve ever seen so I couldn’t manage to find a single seat on there. Then y bus was full so I had to stand in line in the pouring rain for the next one, luckily they called one in. Then it was packed so I had to stand… I thought the bus would hit the breaks at some point and I’d fly forward from no strength to hold on.

To make matters worse this guy started bugging me on the ferry even though I had my headphones on, and then he bugged me the entire time in line for the bus and then followed me off the bus. I got off at Burrard to transfer to the Richmond B-Line and HE FOLLOWED ME! I asked him where he was heading and he said it didn’t matter, he was going wherever.

Took me a bit to find the right bus stop for the B-Line and sure enough he sat down there too. He asked me if he could find hotels along the way, I said not ’til he got to Richmond. He asked if that was where I was going. No. I was getting off at 70th Ave, the next stop over the bridge would be Richmond though. So I figured I’d loose him there… but he got off at my stop! I gave him a weird look so he went a different way.

Walked the twelve… fourteen blocks to Cory’s. Was late ’cause of all the bus troubles so got changed, turned back around and walked all the way back to Granville to get on another bus only to stand all the way to Granville Station. Then it took me a bit to find Granville Station. And old man got off at the Stadium stop too, and the escalators weren’t working so I helped him get to the street, but of course he went out on the other side of the skytrain so I had to walk all the way around. But I made it.

Met up with Courtney, said hi to her folks then we headed in. She bough a couple shirts and what not and we found our seats. Not bad seats! The Wreckers went on first, they were meh. Only words I could make out were my, oh my and that’s ’cause I know the song. HAH! Then it was time for Keith…

and the girls beside Courtney stood up and never sat down. *sigh* I wish people would realize some can’t stand for three hours. But if I wanted to watch I had to. Only time I could sit was when Keith and the band went to the center part for a couple songs. Damn chicks! And the chick beside me was completely tone deaf but singing at the top of her lungs. She didn’t even know the words half the time. Very annoying.

Keith was awesome though. Courtney got some great videos and pictures, I’m hoping she’ll let me nab some to share with you guys.

Getting back to Cory’s was a pain though. I got off at Granville Station and was supposed to find Howe and Dunsmuir. Riiiiight. I got so lost. Had to text Stuart at about midnight for help. Luckily he was still awake, ’cause I hate waking him up. I FINALLY got to Cory’s at like 1:30. Blah. Got to sleep at 3:30, 4ish, then was up at 5:30. Was so tired I couldn’t bring myself to make noise to tell Cory I was awake when he got up at 6 though, lol. Finally dragged my as out of bed and Cory and I took the same bus so we actually had some time to chat. YAY! And I made the 8:30 boat… dad picked my up in Nanaimo and took me to lunch and what not, then it was home.

I was in such a shitty mood though, I just couldn’t help it. All the walking and standing had my body in so much pain. Tuesday when Stuart got home from work I was on the couch nearly in tears, and I didn’t know why. He asked me if I wanted to talk… no. Talk about what? So he just paid attention to me… it was kind of cute. I felt kind of guilty ’cause I couldn’t tell him what was wrong, but I think he understood that I didn’t understand what was wrong. He watched some tv with me and just sat on the couch with me… it helped more than you’d believe.

Yesterday Stuart had the day off work. Why? ‘Cause I had to go to Comox to get my wisdom teeth out. I was so nervous, I mean with how all my pain is exaggerated (why do I always want to spell that with two x’s???) and what not, I didn’t know what to expect. The dentist was cool though… he went over my medical history with me so he knew about the hypothyroidism. He gave me a special medicine when he put me out ’cause it would make me happy. That was cool. I was out like a light. I sort of woke up at the end, don’t remember much though. I was wide awake for all of post-op though, which surprised them. But I had gauze in my mouth so I couldn’t talk to ask for a book or something. Grrr.

Then one of the nurses said I could go but my ride wasn’t there. When the nurses changed over the new one asked me my boyfriends name and went to find him. He was there… he was there the whole time! My dad did stop in just after my surgery started to give them a cheque so I guess the other nurse thought he was my ride. But no… grrr.

When we got back to Campbell River Stuart was sweet enough to run me to my mom’s, then dad’s, then London Drugs, then Save On Foods. LOL. We got my prescriptions, some yogurt and then came home. He got called in to work to do a run so we asked Jeff to come over ’cause someone needed to sit with me that night.

Well… the dentist prescribed percocet. Oh yes, percocet make me haaaaaaaaappy. LOL. So happy. Also got prescribed something for swelling and an antiiotic, and gravol since I can’t really take anything with FOOD. The freezing is just now wearing off and I’m happy for the pills. They also help with sleep… only woke up once last night. That was awesome. My jaw is starting to kill now though.

Today is a lazy day. Jeffrey lent me his laptop so I could stay comfortable on the couch with pillows and what not. And that’s what I plan to do, just stay in my pj’s doing nothing on the couch. Right now I’m going to have some soup before the pain comes on completely, then I’ll take a percocet and take a nap here.

Last night was so weird though… I was in some uncomfort and pain and yet I was in the best mood I’ve been in in forever. And I’m in a decent mood today even though Stuart phoned and woke me up at 10:30. ‘Course he was phoning to check on me so that’s kind of sweet….

I’m going to Vancouver tomorrow. I’m going to see Keith Urban at GM Place with my friend Courtney from LiveJournal. There’s a cool story as to why we’re going to this together, but I’m not in the mood to share it right now. So I get to get up early tomorrow and Stuart is driving me down to Nanaimo where I’ll grab the 12:50 boat. I should be at Cory’s by about 3:30… 4:00ish… provided somebody will be there. I just e-mailed him so hopefully he’ll get back to me on that. Might have to not take a bag if no one will be there… I’m sure I can survive in my Keith Urban t-shirt for two days.

Anyways, I don’t really want to go. How fucked up is that??? Like, I want to go to the concert, don’t get me wrong. This will make Keith one of my most seen people in concert, gotta love that. I just don’t feel up to the whole trip. I can’t afford to drive over so I’m relying on Vancouver transit. That’s all fine since it’s pretty reliable, what I’m worried about is the walking. There’s not a whole lot involved, but I can’t really do any without ending up sore and exhausted. I thing just Granville to Cory’s, about three or four blocks, will be the death of me. And I have to do it four times….

On top of that I’m not going to get much sleep. As far as I can tell I’ll probably be taking the 8:30 ferry Monday morning… so I’ll get to Cory’s around 11:00 or 11:30 Sunday night. Then it’ll take me forever, as it always does, to get to sleep, and then I’ll have to wake up at like 6:15 ’cause the bus I need to get is at 7:00 and I need to give myself time to drag myself back to Granville St.

That’s providing Liz is still picking me up Monday though. If that falls through, which it might, then I’ll have to wait for Stuart to get off work and come get me. He gets off at 5:30! Ugh. And I imagine Cory and Clinton work Monday so I’ll have to kill time… either in downtown Vancouver or in Nanaimo. Really probably both. And I won’t have much money to do anything. *cries*

This trip has been planned for ages, why is it getting all fucked up now? No better on Courtney’s end either, she had a major complication with rides to. Stuart is supposed to have Sundays and Mondays off… but of course he has to work this Monday. *sigh* I have been prepared for that for a while though, hence Liz picking me up. I just really, really hope she still plans on doing so. Killing ten hours doesn’t sound pleasant to me. Even if I will have my iPod with me.

And then after I get back… Wednesday I get my wisdom teeth out. What a week!

I realize a lot of my posts lately have been about how much pain I’m in and how bad I feel, and I realize it’s a bit of a downer. But I can’t help it. I live with this day in and day out. Last night the pain was so bad I was laying on my back and couldn’t move. An inch even. It even woke Stuart up, and trust me that is a feat in itself, and he massaged my back for about half an hour! It helped a little, enough that I could get back to sleep. So that was nice. But I surely do not want to have to wake him up everytime I’m in pain. Worst part is I took a felxoral last night, so not only was the pain not as bad as it could probably get, but the fact that I was woken up by it only hours after taking the pill is scary. Those suckers really knock me out. I realize I probably shouldn’t but tonight I’m going to take two… I just want a full nights sleep! If it doesn’t work I’m going to the doctor, either tomorrow or Saturday. I really hope they can do more than what I usually get from doctors… “Avoid caffiene, make a set schedule, blah blah blah.” I am avoiding caffiene and as for a set schedule, it’s kind of difficult right now. Not getting sleep at a time when your body wants like fifteen hours a day is baaaaaad. Trust me.

I don’t understand why everything seems so difficult these days. It took me four hours to convince myself I could do the dishes… and it only took twenty minutes when I had finally started. It hurt to stand for that long, sure, and I was a little peeved that I had to do them yet again… but it’s not like it was that big of a deal. My body just does not what to do anything except lie on the couch. And yet at the same time I want to go for a walk or a run because I can feel the muscles getting kind of lethargic, but this is not an option. As much as I would love to do a daily run, or even a walk around the block I can not. I can barely find the strength and energy to do the stairs from the car to the apartment….

And my moods! Oh man, I do not understand how a simple matter of no fruit can make me so pissed off. Luckily we went grocery shopping and fixed that problem last night, but that’s hardly the point. The stupidest shit upsets me. It’s not focused on Stuart as much as it was before, which is nice because he didn’t deserve that. I think he’s actually been a little better too, which helps. I see him trying to help out, and he doesn’t poke fun as much as before. I can laugh at myself but when my mood is shitty I don’t want someone making fun of me because of it. He seems to understand that now.

Now I’m going to get ready for bed and pray to the sandman that I can get a full night’s sleep. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I do not feel well. I have a headache, I feel tired and sore, and I’m really hot but when I open a window all of a sudden I’m freezing cold. Everything is getting really bad now. I hate this, especially since I get to live with this for at least a month now. The pain is almost unbearable. Last night it was so bad… I just sat on the couch in a ball with tears streaming down my face. There’s nothing that makes it go away either.

If I sit cross legged my legs ache after only moments. If I tilt my head slightly my neck goes completely stiff in a matter of minutes. I just can not win. There’s no way to sit or lay that does not lead to some form of pain. I HATE THIS.