A Rose By Any Other Name…

Last night I couldn’t sleep… so I started thinking. That’s never a good thing, ’cause then I’ll never get to sleep. I finally went out into the living room because I was scared of disturbing Stuart too much. I eventually fell asleep and that’s where Stuart found me this morning. I think he thought I was upset but that wasn’t it, really!

I went back into the bedroom and a little bit later he came in to check on me. See, he is pretty good about hearing stuff when I tell him straight out. I told him I was fine but he laid down in front of me and hugged me anyways. LOL, so cute. I explained I just simply couldn’t sleep. *shrugs*

He started getting ready for work and all the stuff I was thinking back came back into my head again. Finally as he was leaving for work I asked him to do me a favour… when we have a moment alone (Henry comes in tonight) I asked him to make some time for me so we can have a talk. A real talk where he won’t make fun or change the subject. He’s really good at that. He promised to do so.

So now I have to straighten out everything I wanna talk about. It’s not necessarily bad stuff, just stuff I want him to know and understand. I have a terrible of habit of forgetting everything I mean to say when I get the opportunity tio say it… and I really don’t want to do that this time.

I want to explain this whole “depression” thing. I’m not considered clinically depressed because I’m happy more than I’m upset, and I don’t feel worthless or anything. It’s mainly at night I get down, and the stupidest stuff can cause it. I had a complete nervous breakdown Sunday ’cause there was too much laundry to put away! He’s not at fault for my down mood, actually he makes it better. You wouldn’t know it since I can still get down but I saw how bad it got when he wasn’t here to try to cheer me up… he really makes a difference.

He also needs to understand that I can’t always talk to him about what’s bothering me… I don’t know what’s bothering me a lot of the time. I love that he wants to understand the stupid shit going on in my head but he can’t always do so, sometimes he just needs to sit back and let me be upset for a while.

There’s a lot of other things I want to discuss but I’m not really comfortable posting them online. Hopefully my brother and Henry don’t take over the apartment all weekend!

Last night I felt like crap. For no reason. It’s really hard to explain but sometimes I’m just depressed. It is a symptom of hypothyroidism… so yeah. I’m usually fine during the day and get worse as the night goes on. Like yesterday. Stuart and I were watching Jack & Bobby and I was trying to tell him that there was fucked up stuff in my head but he just wasn’t clueing in to how serious I was.

I was getting really frustrated… he just wouldn’t hear what I was saying. I kept trying to tell him until we went to bed… then I said something and he made a joke about it. Oh, I was so pissed. I got up, dressed and left. Slammed the door and just walked away. Of course with my muscles and all right now I couldn’t get far. *sigh* And had to come home. I was probably gone half an hour. I came in expecting him to be asleep but he’d stayed up…. I went and laid down on the couch and he came over and just held me for a bit.

Finally he went to bed and I followed. I wanted to just cry but I kept it in. I wanted to yell at him for being so ignorant and clueless, but I didn’t.

See… my moods are better when he’s around but they still go up and down. Sometime’s I just want him to pause whatever he’s doing for two seconds and come over and put his arms around me. Seriously, that really does make me feel better. I don’t need him to understand why I’m upset, I don’t understand it, I just need him to be there for me.

Last night I laid there for about ten minutes thinking about that and finally worked up the courage to ask him to put his arms around me. I didn’t think he would… he was mad ’cause he didn’t know why I was mad and everything… but he did. He rolled over and held me tight. Awww.

This morning I tried explaining it best I could and I think he kind of understands. He’s really protective so when he realized how I was and how he wasn’t helping with his jokes I think he felt bad. I don’t want him to feel bad!

He did do everything he could to cheer me up this morning, and it worked! He has this pair of boxer shorts that has snowmen on them, but they look like mushrooms. Seriously, first time I saw him wear ‘em I was like, “Why are you wearing mushrooms???” Haha. I hate them. He got three new pairs of boxers in Calgary so I was trying to convince him he could lose a pair last night but he said no. But this morning when he got out of bed he was like, “OK, are you watching???” And when I looked up he ripped them in half. YEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

I love that boy!

Last night I went to Tim Horton’s to have coffee with Aliesha but unfortunately she was running late and I was exhausted… and Stuart had got home and I just wanted to go see him. So in the end we missed each other… shitty deal.  

But… I get home and I haven’t even gotten the door closed yet and Stuart comes running in. I have my arms full of stuff but apparently this doesn’t matter as he wrapped his arms around me and gave me one of the deepest kisses he’s ever done. Wow. And he’s all stubbly ’cause he didn’t shave in Calgary! Well he trimmed it but he’s got this… I don’t remember what it’s called? He’s got a goatee and then he’s got his sideburns running down along his chin to the goatee. Can you picture it? ‘Cause holy Hell it’s hot.

So yeah, in the end it was a good night ’cause I got my boyfriend back! LOL. I can’t believe how much I missed him. We were on the couch and he just scooted over and his arm around me. Awww. It sounds like he had a lot of fun so that’s great, but I think he’s happy to be home.

His mom gave me underwear. What exactly do you say to that? It’s kind of awkward… like, “Oh, your son will like these on me!” Ugh. She bought them not realizing they were size 8, not size 6, so that’s why she gave ‘em to me. But seriously… kind of awkward. I dunno, I think it’s awkward since I don’t really like her and thus don’t want to be in debt to her in any way. You know?

So I am definitely addicted to Garth Brooks’ new song. It’s amazing. I’m not usually a big Garth fan period, but <b>More Than A Memory</b> is incredible. Seriously… wow.

Well I’m gonna go tidy up and wait for Stuart to get home. I figure tonight will just be a lazy night, watch some Jack & Bobby and just relax.

OK, so today Stuart texts me… they’re in Surrey. SURREY! Turns out they left yesterday, stayed over in Merrit, and headed out again this morning. He’d already be home if his parents hadn’t stopped at a casino. Far as I know he’s still on the Mainland ’cause I told him to tell me when he’s on the boat.

Then I got a call from the doctor asking me to come in for test results. So I just went down there… I have hypothyroidism. It might not be all that’s wrong, but it’s definitely part of it. I’ll try to explain this…

The pituitary gland sends out TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) to tell the thyroid to produce free T4. But my numbers show my TSH is really high while my free T4 is really low… so my brain is working overtime to try to get the thyroid to produce more of it. So now I have to take these pills which are fake T4. The problem is the brain will think I have T4 so my TSH levels will drop and the thyroid won’t produce any T4 on it’s own.

So… I’m going to feel better, then I’m going to feel worse again. I have 40 days worth of pills (it’s just one in the morning) so when I have five days left I have to go for blood work again and then they’ll up the dosage. I’ll have to continue doing this until we get it all balanced out.

And I may have to take pills for the rest of my life. Luckily they don’t break the bank… 40 days worth was $10!

So I won two tickets to Sean Hogan tonight, how awesome is that? I don’t know if I’m going to go ’cause I have no one who would wanna go. Maybe if Stuart is back in time I can convince him to go out to dinner??? It happens to be at the restaurant where we had our first date. LOL.

Anyways, I still need to clean the apartment, shower, and phone Aliesha to figure out just how the Hell we can fit in some time together. And I’m already exhausted from the day so far.

Stuart gets home tomorrow!! They’re driving from Calgary so I’m not expecting him until later in the evening. Which is great ’cause I managed to do nothing in the apartment today. It’s not that messy but when I tried to start cleaning up I had a complete breakdown. I just got overwhelmed and fed up and started crying. Seriously. Welcome to my life.

I really want to just talk everything out with someone but everytime I try they always manage to change the subject or make it about them. Which… I mean whatever… I know it’s all kind of depressing so who wants to sit there and go through all that? But Stuart will. He’ll listen to everything and hold me and try to understand but admit he doesn’t.

I love him but I hate how much I need him!

OK, I realize this is technically being posted on Sunday, but since Stuart gets home Monday evening I’m not too late to post my 2 day post. Hey, it’s my blog after all. I make the rules!

Today was actually a good day. Kept me freakin’ busy at least. I got woken up by some Roy guy asking if Stu was here, and when I said no he freaked out at me. When I texted Stuart about it he told me he doesn’t know a Roy… lmao. Random. Then I dropped laundry off at my moms and went and picked Shelly up.

We headed to Walmart for a quick stop, then came back into town. I got her addicted to Starbucks Raspberry Mocha Frappacino… we grabbed food and came and watched a movie. (Summer School… classic!) Liz came up to read a message convo I have from Brandon and then we ranted about Amanda being a douche. I’m too tired, and drunk, to explain now so I’ll go into that all later.

We hung out for a while then I went and picked my laundry up and dropped Shelly off. When I came back Liz and I set ourselves up with rum and coke and Crank… after a Timmie’s run of course. When the movie was done we were partially buzzed and still ticked at Amanda so we headed to the bar.

After getting more rum and coke we found Amanda and had a little screaming showdown right during last call. Then Liz fucked off to cool down and I tried to talk some sense into Amanda. I think she may have listened somewhat, ’cause me at the bar is a big thing.

Now Liz and I just got back. She’s sitting up waiting for Amanda to get home. I’m still sippin’ rum and coke and thinking about things. Like how I actually just admitted to Liz a while ago that I intend to marry Stuart. And that I really have been in a down mood lately. I mean I’m never a chipper person but my doctor told me to watch out for depression…. I don’t think I’m depressed but I do think my moods are being effected somewhat now. I dunno.

I mean yesterday all I did is watch movies. Granted I was actually feeling lousy, but I watched four movies on the computer! LOL. And today I forced myself to do anything that came up, which actually worked out. Heh. But still… oy.

I think Monday will be the true test.

By the way, I’ve never been drunk. I’m not even drunk now but I’m pretty buzzed. But I really suck at drinking!

I want need Stuart here! I fucking hate this week. Honestly, I was really looking forward to time alone… but the one week where I really need someone is the week he’s gone. Fucking irony… I hate it.

This morning I had to be up at 5:45 to drive my brother Qualicum for 7:20. It’s an hour drive. We had to pick up this guy Conrad… out of our way… and then he wasn’t fucking there. UGH! And then Henry’s laundry was at my mom’s so we had to go out there. Ended up on the highway at 6:45. Not cool. We were about half an hour late.

I got back to town around 9:30. I stopped in at Tim Horton’s for some breakfast and then came home and tried to get some more sleep. But it wasn’t long before the phone rang. GRRR. It was my doctor with my test results.

Negative.

But, he says that doesn’t mean anything. Apparently there’s something called Cyclical Cushing’s and the common tests often come up negative for it. With my symptoms he’s really pushing Cushing’s because everything adds up, nothing else really wraps it all together, you know?

So here’s the problem… until a test comes back positive the hospital here won’t do a CAT scan or MRI. I don’t understand the reasoning behind it… all I know is I can’t get the test. And there’s not really anything we can do until I do get the tests. Finding a tumor is the only way to definitively say it’s Cushing’s anyways, so it’s stupid it can’t be done as a test for it. You already have to be positive for it. And why won’t my elevated cortisol levels be enough for that???

Anyways… I’m just going to get worse apparently. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m sitting here trying not to cry, avoiding the phone everytime it rings. I check the caller id and it’s never anyone important. I just don’t feel like chit chat right now. I can’t get my head to wrap around the whole… it’s gonna get worse thing. Like, what? How much worse can it get???

I did text Stuart about it, then right afterwards I told him not to worry too much I just wanted to tell someone and get it off my mind. Uh huh, lie… but I don’t want him out there worrying about me. I’m hoping he’ll phone tonight.

P.S. The song I’ve Got More by Cole Deggs & the Lonesome totally sounds like Toby Keith singing.

So I got some random texts from Stuart today. I know he’s enjoying time with his grandparents and the rest of the family but I also know he has a hard time sleeping alone now (*insert girlish giggles*) so I think he’s missing me. Awww. Plus his mom is being her bitchy self which is putting him in a little bit of a crappy mood. But hopefully she’ll get busy with the party and leave him be so he can relax some.

My brother is going to rent out the extra room with Liz and Amanda downstairs. He’s only around two days a week, and even then he’s rarely at home, so that should work out nicely. I know Amanda is never around so it’s pretty much just Liz’s place. LOL.

Henry, the Scottish kid my brother works with, is going to rent out our spare bedroom. He’s so quiet and hangs out with my brother all the time so that should work out well. Like Jeff he’s only in for two days out of the week too. Awesome.

Unfortunately Jeffrey and Henry failed to help me do any of the packing stuff up in the spare bedroom like they were supposed to… but luckily they’ve agreed to help do it when their in next weekend. That’ll be four of us getting it done so it should go nice a quick.

I did get Stuart’s porn magazines packed away. We only have his dresser right now and they were taking up a lot of room, and he never looks at them, so I packed them away in a box. He can get at them easy enough if he so desires.

Tomorrow morning I’m driving Jeffrey and Henry to Qualicum… so I have to be up at 6AM. I’ll get home around 9… so going back to bed when I do!!! And then I have a few movies to help me get through until Monday… High School Musical 2, Knocked Up, The Parent Trap (the original one peeps… Lindsay Lohan can kiss my ass), and Becoming Jane. Wooot.

But still, I miss Stuart and want it to be Monday NOW.

Oh, and I have to remember I was invited to Kaitlyn’s brother Chases’ birthday party tomorrow. I can NOT believe he’s seven!!!

Just recieved a notice in the mail that my poem Dear Grandpa is going to be published. This is, I don’t know, my seventh published poem? I was surprised this one got choosen since I didn’t write it expecting it to be… it was a personal thing. Definitely not my best work, but still cool.

I still remember the day
They told me you were sick,
Said slowly over time
You would begin to forget.
I can’t distinguish now
From before and after then;
It hurts to think back
Over all we missed.
I was so young
But now I’m not,
You watched me grow
Not knowing who I was.
I miss you so much now
And you’re not even gone.

Ugh, that really actually sucks but whatever.

I went out tonight with my brother and Henry. We had to pick something up at our mom’s and then we went and grabbed pizza and beer. When we got back I had two missed calls… my dad and Stuart. STUART!!! And a message from him on MSN that said to text him when I get home and let him know if I want to talk. So I text him with, “Hey I’m back now.”

About fifteen minutes later he called. YAY!!! He sounded kind of home sick as we got caught up. Yes… I told him about my arm, and yes he was pissed. And worried. Awww. He caught me up on what he’s been doing… says it’s been relaxing except for his mom. Apparently she’s being a right bitch.

He told me about his golfing excursion with his grandpa, about his book which he’s half way through, and that he got some new clothes. Went on to tell me he got two pairs of jeans, four boxers and six pairs of shorts. He’s so freaking cute!

I got to do my whole “I’m having a rough time” routine and he got to tell me it would get better. YAY! I feel silly for needing that but sometimes I just need him to tell me things will be better. It’s the way he gets all worried and makes that voice as he says, “Aww my poor baby!” and I know he’s completely sincere.

At one point he told me he’d forgotten how jealous he can get. When I asked what he meant he admitted that when he phoned and I didn’t answer and my MSN only said “Out” he couldn’t help but kind of feel like… where the Hell is she? LOL. That’s so cute. I told him to just text me next time with WHERE THE HELL ON EARTH ARE YOU???? Hahaha.

Finally after an hour of chit chat we had to hang up since it was like eleven there. I told him to have a good night and thought it would be the usual thing where we just hang up, but before he did he very sincerely said, “I love you.”

!!!!!!!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I know Stuart loves me, but he’s never said it. Well he has, but it’s always in response to me saying it. He never says it first…. He’s bad with words and expressing emotion you know? But I really think he’s a little home sick and *gasp* misses me as much as I miss him.

And after that phone call the time doesn’t seem so long until he gets back. Monday will get here fast enough.